Naivety - giant 'roos and little kids, "open sesame", and the fat man in red and white suit on the roof

Yesterday, as I caught the bus home from work, I saw two guys on stilts. They were dressed as giant kangaroos with santa hats on and were jumping along the street. Opposite me on the bus sat a man and (presumably) his young daughter. As bad as I am with guessing ages of kids, I think I'd be pretty safe in saying she was about 5 years olds. She sat by the window, while her father sat in the aisle seat closest to me, and as we passed the giant kangaroos (who looked more the sort of men who would fit right into a bikie gang), the father must have said something along the lines of "Look! Kangaroos!" because the little girl replied "They aren't real kangaroos!". Her father tried to convince her that they were real kangaroos, but, as young as she was (or looked) she stood her ground and said "They weren't real! I saw their faces!". Man, little kids are hilarious.

If only I was as logically minded as that little girl. I mean, I don't think, had I been in her situation 10 years ago, I would have realised they weren't real if my dad was convincing me they were real for a laugh. I say all this totally from experience, having been tricked numerous times. Once my cousins tricked me into thinking that the words open sesame and close sesame controlled the opening and closing of the garage, when they were actually pressing a button on the wall right next to me. I was between the age of 5 and 10 I believe, mind you, and if you saw a full demonstration of how it works and saw the garage door open and close at the commands of your lips, you'd be pretty conned as well.

When I was young, I had a relatively intense fear of Santa Clause, or a love-hate relationship, be it as you wish. It went a little like this - I would really want to go join the other kids in the mall (sorry, I mean "shopping centre". Christmas time turns you American and besides, mall is so much easier to say) and wait in the long queue to receive a small gift bag from Santa, however I was much too scared to sit on his lap and endure an entire photo being taken just for the gift bag (as enticing as it seemed). So everytime I went to the mall with my family (as you do when you are young and have no friends nor independence) they would all tease me as we approached Santa's throne 'cause they knew he freaked me out. My dad would tell me to go see Santa and get a present from him, and sometimes even take my hand and try to drag me in Santa's direction just to freak me out a little more. As much as I wanted that gift, I'd avoid Santa's eye contact (otherwise he'd give me a freaky wave, in which case I would most definately not return it and probably runaway), grab my mother's hand and drag her straight past him so I don't have to be tormented by the big fat man in the red suit, or by all the gleeful kids receiving their gifts from him. Not only was I scared of the real deal (or as close to the real deal as you can get - I'm sure Kris Kringle, if that's how you actually spell his name, wouldn't be very scary), but I was almost just as scared of the plastic santa that used to hang behind a door in our house during the festive season. I'm not quite sure why I was always so scared of Santa, but I think it must have something to do with my current fear of being abducted and so on. It must have been some sort of subconcious pre-setting to this fear, as if I have always (subconciously) been scared of unknown men that may hid me in a sack amongst all their goodies and take me away. Anyway, whatever it was, I'm glad I only sat on Santa's lap a couple of times before I developed my fear. If you ask me, he's always been a pretty shifty figure, and as confidently as I could approach, greet and sit on the arm of his chair today, I certainly wouldn't sit on his lap. Anyway (!), as much as you wouldn't think so, after all this rambling, this Santa story actually relates back to the topic of this blog. I was once also completely fooled (not to mention totally freaked out) by my sister and next door neighbour into believing that Santa was on our roof. I could have just said the point from the start, but I thought I'd fill you in from the start, since it is Christmas in two days. It's more fun this way :)

Anyway, to anyone and everyone who reads this blog, have a good one, 'cause I'm going away until new years, and probably won't blog until then, unless something interesting occurs during the next two days. I highly doubt that.

Reflections on my last blog

The weird thing is, at the same time as ignoring the warning signs and not really caring, I feel like I'm sometimes too scared to take the risk, to plunge into the unknown. Hmm.

Grey's Anatomy Episode #45: Even jols can provoke intellectual thought

Life is full of risks, some of which are blatantly plastered with enter-at-your-own-risk-warnings all over them, others not. Cigarette smokers are much too familiar (and therefore complacent) with the large block letters which read "SMOKING KILLS" on their cigarette packets (unless they roll their own...), whilst the much smaller block letters "Contains phenylalanine. Excess consumption may have a laxative effect" is also commonly ignored by those who love gum or jols. Those who watch Grey's Anatomy, or rather, are lucky enough to wind up in OR's with melodramatic - but quite cute looking - neurosurgeons and interns, will know that there is always some degree of risk (even if it's small) to any surgery. Unfortunately, one of the only things Grey's Anatomy has in common with real life is the fact that sometimes the risks of not going ahead with the surgery, metaphorically speaking, are equal to (or sometimes worse than) those of the surgery itself. And sometimes, the risks are unknown until you take the plunge down a (more often than not) no-returns deep well. But, if you think about it, it's often better not to be warned of the risks prior to taking the plunge and have that familiar voice singing "I told you so" in your head (or occassionally out loud) afterwards. 'Cause even when we do see the warning signs long before hand, we always ignore them. And on the rare occasion when you don't ignore the seemingly harmless block letters on the back of your second packet of extra for the day and are reminded "Excess consumption may have a laxative effect", the risks are never certain. So as I chuck out my empty packet of jols after only a day (and after having written this well refined blog, unlike my last) I really couldn't care less about what the side of the packet says - never have and never will. Not unless I stumble down that deep no-returns well. Until then, I'm off to start another packet of jols.

Uncut

I still remember the first time I was allowed out alone (without the supervision of my parents, that is). It must have been when I was in Year 4, I think. About 7 years ago, while our house was still being built and we were renting. A friend came over and, at the time, we were living half a block away from a park. After braiding parts of our hair and putting colourful beads in with one of those strange hair braiding/beading machines that every girl in school owned and thought was the next big thing after barbies, furbies, tazos, and tamagotchis, I pleaded with my parents to let us go to the park without them coming and, fairly leniently, they said yes. Overcome by a sense of independence, maturity and emancipation, we skipped the whole 2 minutes to the park and enjoyed about 15 minutes alone until my sister came walking towards us after being sent to check on us.

I'm not sure what the moral of the story is. I guess it's just one of the many stories that doesn't have a moral. One of the many stories that has disjointed sentences and abrupt endings. Oh well. I'm tired (after working 10 hours today) and not bothered to fix it up. I just wanted to get this down because I suddenly remembered it today, after driving past the park (which, mind you, I drive past every day almost). So I will leave this memory raw for the moment, and perhaps forever - some things are better left scrappy rather than over analysed.

Rain, rain go away, Come again another day

The other day when I was walking home through the rain, thunder and lightening, I was quite paranoid (as I am) about getting struck by lightening, or abducted and not being heard over the raging thunder. I walked briskly - umbrella held close to my body, not wanting to be drenched by the end of my walk - occassionally glancing over my shoulder whilst thinking to myself "I like the rain" (by "rain" I meant the whole lot - thunder and lightening) over and over again.

Today when I was walking home through the rain, thunder and lightening, I held my umbrella loosely and had a sudden urge to not use it at all and dance in the rain. So I did just that. Well, I didn't dance. But I took down my umbrella, held it my side and walked on the road. It was very pleasant and refreshing I must say. It made me feel free. The thunder and lightening didn't freak me out much, and I was even wishing the rain would get heavier towards the end of my walk home. As it is, when you actually absurdly want the rain to get heavier, it doesn't - and when you don't want it to get any heavier so you can run to the car without your straightened hair going frizzy (or any frizzier than it already is), it does. Disappointed by this rule of life, I didn't want to go inside when I got home, I just wanted to sit on the curb of my street and listen to music or keep walking, perhaps through a nearby park. But I accepted the fact that I would have to go inside at some point and so I left the calm atmosphere that the rain created and became dry again.

Paradoxes are confusing.

Blast to the present?

The concept of time is quite bizarre. When I think about it too much, it confuses the hell out of me. I cannot grasp the term "forever", nor can I understand why it is that if you could go back in time, you wouldn't be able to change anything. Let's start with "forever". Forever seems so openended. So long, so never ending. It doesn't have any closure. If you unravel a ball of wool, you will eventually stop unravelling. Or if you counted every single person in the world, there'd be an end to your counting 'cause you'd eventually die (or the world would blow up from global warming, who knows). I wonder. If you travelled out into space, where does it end? Would there be some sort of cliff - a void that you can't enter perhaps - that forces you to turn back, or is it just never ending. I am trying to picture the shape of space (if you were to draw it on a single piece of paper) and I cannot create it's shape. Hmm. Anyway, I'm confused enough about time to be worrying about space.

OK - to my second difficulty. Why is it that if you were able to go back in time, you wouldn't be able to change anything? I mean, it's impossible to go back in time anyway, so how can you even start theorising about what you would and wouldn't be able to do if you could? If it were possible to go back in time, then I'd say it'd be just as easy to change something. Unless we can already "go back in time" so to speak. Revisiting places and situations through our memories. Then I suppose you can't change anything. Except your perspectives on the place/situation. Well, technically you could change things, you could alter things in your memory. But I think the theory refers to going back in time as a more literal sort of thing.

Another thing that confuses me about time is simply (or not so simply) how it works. I mean, right now I can think "In no time at all it'll be holidays and I'll be bludging". But then I still have the whole of this week to live through. And yet, when holidays come, I'll be thinking "Wow, it felt like only a minute ago that I was dreaming about the holidays". I don't get that. I don't get it, especially when it's on a much larger scale of time. I don't get how it is that 5 years ago, when I was 11, I would have been stumped when asked the question "What will you be doing in 5 years time?". But I would have thought that one day I would be 16. And now here I am. I have lived through those 5 years. But where did the time go? I remember the time between now and then, but at the same time, it feels like I clicked my fingers and here I am in the future, 16 years old. That's a scary thought. Time is a scary thought. 'Cause sometimes I think of the things I may encounter in the future like going to uni, working full time, getting married ecetera. And then I think how weird it'll be when I am actually in uni or working full time or married or whatever and I think how I'll look back to times like these when I thought about the future and wonder where the time went. Wonder how suddenly I had went from a 16 year school girl to a 26 year old full time professional. And it feels like I could just click my fingers and I'll be in an office typing away on some high-tech computer (which reminds me, I got a new phone but it feels like just yesterday when I was playing snake on my brick phone 4-5 years ago, the first phone I had) in office clothes instead of here at home in my pjs. Bizarre. I don't get it. It seems like someone is holding the remote control of my life but they decided to make my head spin in circles by pressing play-stop-rewind-play-fastforward-pause-play-rewind ecetera. *Sigh*

Pathways

In life there are too many options for each decision. Yet, often, not one option will appeal to me. Is that just because there are too many options? Or too little? :S

When tomorrow comes

Today was a good day.
Today I found out that the new season of Grey's Anatomy starts tonight - and that it's going to be on twice a week!
Today I got a call back from the lady that gave me a job interview and got asked to come in for a trial shift.
Today I actually did some work in maths and science for the first time...all semester? (Not that I should really be feeling any sense of accomplishment about that, it's pointless work afterall...I don't see why I start trying now anyway)
Today is nearly over.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

Reactants ---> Products

I have 'found the answer' to this one problem several times. But that's exactly the problem. Each potential answer doesn't end up being an answer at all. Everytime I think I've found the answer, I hesitate for a moment (or more) and then decide to risk it, only to later find out that the answer was no better than it's three predecessors.

The thing is, I have once again 'found the answer'. After looking back at the other times I thought I had found the answer, I wonder if this will end the same way the other answers did - with disappointment - or whether I will truly be able to say that I've found the solution and solved the problem.

Do I take the risk and test the solution? In the end, I think I will. Because although I don't know that it'll lead me down a better path than any of the other solutions, I think that having had experienced the results of those bad decisions (which once appeared to be solutions), I am more able to discern what really could be an answer and what isn't. I therefore believe that it will be an answer. After all, there is never 'the' answer to any problem, there's serveral.

A need for greed

I had a job interview today. I prepared, 'cause I was freaked out I wouldn't know what to say, and I was encouraged by life long learning day (as lame as that may be...), so yes. The lady was pretty nice however there were a few questions I wasn't counting on, and as one of my weaknesses is "not being able to think on my feet", I had a little trouble there. For example she made me do this thing where I had to sell her pen to her. Twas strange, and a little scary, but she said I did well. I need a job. I need something to keep me busy. And I need money :) It's not my ideal job, but meh, stick it out for a few months and then I can put it on my resume and get a better job much quicker.

On another note, usually I think little kids are crazy and selfish when they have a fit 'cause they want something and they want it now. But I think I can empathise. Obviously I am past the stage where I scream for toys in the shopping centre. But not in a materialistic sense. Just wanting something and not being able to wait much longer. I dunno, it sounds crazy, but whatever.

Musings of the day

A light mauve wooden shed - a darker shade outlines the windows and the door.
The echo of footsteps within.
A hot water tank behind the door which is held open by a couple of mauve roof tiles.
A blue bucket lies on a shelf, as does an abandoned pipe.
A few more roof tiles, this time terracotta.
A laundry sink, with a rusted tap.

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Today, the head of senior school stood infront of the assembly to make some quite pathetic conclusions to the service, as per usual. Usually, she opts for the environment, or the community. Those are just two of her favourites, and combined with a story from her long ago childhood, she could talk for hours. I assume she believes she can relate to us if she speaks of her childhood with us. Today she approached a new matter in concluding the assembly. She, in her old age, has become aware that vandalism is occuring in the community, and that it has unfortunately, somehow, crept it's way into the school grounds. Apparently people have 'slashed' some of the chairs and evidently, that means people are carrying sharp objects with them (scissors?). It was her closing remarks however that left most laughing - She admitted that whoever vandalises must have issues, and urged those who "desire" to destory things to come and see her as she is wanting to help them solve their problems before they turn into a full bred criminal.

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I want to get away. I want to move countries. Go somewhere where I know no-one. Be whoever the hell I want to be. And not be concerned about people's expectations and standards. Not be who others want me to be. Create my own life. That's what I feel like doing.

LLL

We had Life Long Learning today. It consisted of 3 seminars which were Financial planning (budgeting) and Interview techniques, Role models (ex-students and what they are doing), and Study tips. Unlike some, I found most of it quite helpful, except for the Role models segment, because it just made me stress about not knowing what I want to do in UNI. The man who held the Financial planning and Interview techniques session was extremely boisterous. His shiny shoes squeaked against the wooden floorboards when he moved, and boy did he move around a lot. He used his hands a bit too much I'd say. It was funny - he was wearing a microphone on his tie and it was on the left side of his chest. During the seminar, there was a beating sound coming form the speakers and he stopped and listened to it and said he could start rapping to it. I wondered what the sound was, and one of my friends told me it was his heart beating. pretty amazing hey. Although, makes me wonder why his heart wasn't beating for the first half of the seminar.

The man was quite humerous in fact. He told us a few funny stories, and at one point I was crying from laughter. Twas funny.

The ex-students session made me think I wanna do something related to medecine, but not medecine (or pharmacy or dentistry for that matter). I don't want to chop up dead people in UNI. Eww. The reason I got this idea was because one of the girls that had finished the HSC this year wants to do something thats related to medecine and physics, 'cause she isn't keen on the idea of chopping up people either. Although I'd prefer not to do anything physics related :) I more want to be a specialist. But that requires stupid medecine. I really don't see why I have to chop up body parts if I'm not going to be a surgeon. Arghh.

The study techniques were very helpful, but as most things, won't do anything unless you apply them yourself. I doubt I will. But I'm atleast motivated to get my act together next year and really try to try. I have to learn to time manage before year 12. If thats the only thing I learn next year, then so be it.

Anyway, all in all, a pretty average day. Nearly the weekend :D

Daily Observations

Today, when I was at the station, a guy came and sat near me. He looked about 22 I'd say. For the sake of this blog, let's just call him Steve. As he walked past I noticed he had a backpack with him, but when he sat down, he was a little behind my line of sight, so I couldn't see what he was doing exactly. I heard him whispering Shut up, sit down, just stay there a few times and had no idea who he was talking to, because at first glance, he appeared to be alone. I assumed Steve was perhaps on drugs or was just a bit psycho. However, I chanced a quick glance at him and saw, to my surprise a small, extremely cute, white fluffy dog, which I think was a maltese terrior minus the yapping. The dog was sitting in Steve's lap, hardly moving, but every time it made a slight fidget (not even an attempt to escape from his lap - I would have) he would swear at it and tell it to shut up (which was funny 'cause I didn't once hear it make a noise) and be still. I hadn't really thought of how the dog suddenly appeared from nowhere (I had assumed he was carrying it and it camoflagued with his white top and I just hadn't seen it) until he swore again and threatened the dog. Shut up or I'll put you back in the bag, I swear. (Not that the dog would understand that since he was whispering and all - he could have been saying how good a dog he was, for all the poo thing knew) I couldn't believe he was carrying it in that bag. Isn't there laws against that? Surely that classifies as animal cruelty. I mean the backpack didn't even have air holes in it or anything - the poor thing could have suffocated in there if left for too long. Not like it'd make a difference, the poor thing will probably die of lung cancer 'cause Steve stunk like a smoker and I'm pretty sure he was smoking at the time, with the dog in his lap. The train was about to come in a couple of minutes so I got up off the bench I was sitting on, and some old lady took my place next to Steve after a bit. As the train was about to come, Steve opened his backpack and placed the dog inside and zipped it fully, all while the old lady was watching him (and while I, from afar, was also watching him, obviously). The lady spoke to him and said Will it be right in there? Has it got enough air? (or something along those lines, I don't pay that much attention to detail) and to my surprise he answered in a quite friendly manner explaining that the dog will be fine and it has enough air (which I highly doubted). After only a few seconds the poor thing started to cry and he opened the zipper a bit so the dog could stick it's head out. It was terribly cute. Anyway, Steve boarded the train on the same carriage as me, and I got off and that was about the end of it. Aside from his friendly manners, I was also surprised by the contradictingly affectionate way he hugged and held the dog and the way he scratched it behind the ears. It was cute. I s'pose a dog really is a man's best friend (apart from the whole cruelty thing).

"Pens Down"

Well SC is over. Technically, it's not, 'cause we still have the "computing skills test" tomorrow, but it is the easiest thing ever. I wouldn't give if I failed it anyway. And we only need to come in for one hour tomorrow :) So I think I may do some job hunting *sigh* Gay, really need to find a job.

I'm so glad I never have to hear that stupid lady's voice again. She was so annoying.
"Supervisors, please stop collecting"
[3 seconds later]
"OK, you can start collecting again"
Arggh. Boy did she like the sound of her own voice in that microphone, funny, 'cause everyone else hated it. She liked having the power to control us, you could tell.
Weirdo.

Meh, anyway. Maths was great, wasn't too bad at all, although I didn't check much at the end, and just before our time was up, I checked something and realised it was wrong, but didn't have time to change it :( Oh well. Only a multiple choice question, probably won't make a difference.

History and Geography could have been worse, but I can't say I was too thrilled with them either. Had to fudge my way through a lot of it, but as with the Science paper, I made up stuff that sounds semi-believable :) I knew the Whitlam Dismissal back to front though, which was awesome - I didn't have enough room to write so I ended up writing on the blank page at the back, which I think you're meant to keep blank. Opps. I knew I should have wrote small. I hope they don't penalise me. Or worse, I hope they don't ignore it and not mark it at all! I think I may have wrote on a blank page for Geography also. It's not my fault they don't give me enough room to write as much crap as I can possibly think of. If only there was a blank page at the back of the interview in English, I would have definitely used that too! I have a bit of a habit with writing in undesignated writing spaces. I often fill up the margins if I've run out of room :) Hmm, I think I may have done that for a couple of question today too. Hehe, I still remember my History teacher saying my paper was a mess and she could hardly read it 'cause I had written in the margins. Sheesh.

Wasn't stressed at all, but glad it's all over anyway. The rest of this week's a bludge - tomorrow is the computing test for 1 hour, thursday we don't do work 'cause it's some life long learning crap, and friday we only go to school for half a day :D Then only 3 weeks of school left, which is rollover anyway, so I can finally get an idea whether I've chosen the wrong subjects or not.

Yep, that's about it.

OWLS *cough* I mean, SC

I had my first School Certificate exams today. English and Science. They were easy, and I had quite a bit of time to spare in each. In English, we had to write an imaginative piece that referred to 'laughter' in some way, and I wrote about this girl who was always being laughed at and kept on moving schools and at the end she decided the only solution was to be the one laughing, not the one laughed at :) It was pretty damn awesome, if I may say so myself. I screwed up the interview though, they so didn't give us enough room to write! I had to write an interview about this girl's entire life story (from growing up on a farm, to going on a gap year, to studying marine biology and then finally how she became an animal activist and started a new group in her community to save wildlife) in one tiny page! Ok, so I should have simplified her life a little, but it was a brilliant life story and besides, by the time I realised I should have cut out the crap, it was already too late. So I ended up saying what the whole interview was meant to be about in the last 2 lines. Opps :)

Science was alright, better than I expected, but then again that's what I thought of the trials :S Had to make up a bit of crap along the way, but it sounded semi-believable, so all is good :)

I haven't studied at all for the SC. I really don't care. It was kinda weird though. Walking into the exam room and realising the people that weren't in uniforms weren't teachers we knew, but rather Board of Studies exam supervisors. I had forgotten all about that, or maybe I never really knew? I think I only thought they come in for HSC exams. The lady that used the microphone to tell us the instructions and say "Pens down" had an annoying voice. The whole thing reminded me of Hogwarts and the OWLS examinations, because I remember how they had people from the Ministry of Magic or something come in to supervise those exams. I know this sounds crazy, but it kinda felt like I was at Hogwarts. *Sigh* I love those moments, it's my dream come true - to live in the wizarding world and go to Hogwarts and all. But yeah, other than that brief magical daydream, my day wasn't out of the ordinary :)

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy - Down in my heart - Where? - Down in my heart to stay

I am going to type out a reflection that I read from a devotions book last night, which I hadn't really touched since I bought it from Koorong months ago. The book is called "Peace for a Woman's Soul". I'm not entirely sure why, because it doesn't seem to specifically address women. I'm sure a guy could read it and get just as much out of it. I recommend you do read it (even if you are a guy =]), 'cause so far, the few pages of it I have read have been great.

Anyway, here it is:

Joy is not only an emotion to be desired, it is also a command to be obeyed. Joy is - to some degree - a choice. How can this be? Are you to simply ignore your circumstances and live outside of reality? No, but a life of joy can be learned - and suffering is most often the teacher.

The Scriptures clearly point out the path toward a life of joy: accept your circumstances and be thankful in them, choose not to worry, fix your eyes on jesus rather than on your situation - follow his example in suffering - and put your hope in future glory. It is through the joy and peace exhibited in suffering that God is most visible in your life. When you live a life of joy - regardless of your circumstances - others will see Jesus in you.

Whatever your current circumstances, God longs to comfort you, heal you and give you his peace, joy and hope. Take your needs to him in prayer. Lay all your hurts and worries before him. Ask him to help you accept your circumstances, fix your eyes on Jesus and live life in joy and peace.

I found this book and this particular message at the right time, or rather it found me at the right time. Through it, God pretty much directly answered questions and doubts I had concerning the topic of joy. I have grappled with this certain topic for quite some time now, and have slowly grasped certain aspects of it. However, each time I read over that reflection, it amazes me more and more how directly related it was to the aspects I was still having trouble understanding. It is amazing how perfect God's timing is and the various ways he speaks to us.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" - Proverbs 3:5-6

P.S. The title is an old Padstow Sunday School song that I haven't remembered in years, but just suddenly came to me when I was thinking of what to name this =] Good old Padstow days!

People I Trust

I was thinking a bit today about the people I trust most. It was funny, 'cause in almost all of them, (there weren't many), I noticed similarities. The people I trust tend to not only go to another school, but are also people that I don't see very regularly (some of which live far away) but am still quite close with. These people are the easiest to talk.

I know I have a trust issue. I don't trust some of the people I really should trust. Not because they are untrustable. Simply for fear of being judged - 'cause they know me too well (or sometimes, only know one side/too little of me), and for fear that they may tell someone, who I also may know, out of concern.

That leads me to the question - Is it simply coincidence that most of those I trust share the common factors I stated above? Or is it that I trust them because they have these common factors? Is it that I trust them, knowing that even if they were to break my trust, it's likely that whoever they told wouldn't be someone who knew me anyway?

If the latter is true, it poses a new problematic quesion in itself - Do I really trust these people at all, or am I just secure in the fact that we are great friends but they don't know anyone that I know? Or in other words - Is this trust or is it taking the easy way out?

The Friday/Saturday Night Mood

I hate it. It is a terribly unbearable mood to be in. Let me explain. It is a mood you inevitably get on a friday/saturday night when there are no parties happening and you have failed to make any social plans. It is a mixture of extreme bordem, exhaustion from the long week that has just passed by, and wanting to do something to eliminate the mood, yet not even wanting to lift a finger at the same time. Really, once the mood has hit, there isn't a lot you can do to get out of it. Everything you try doing to eliminate the mood has absoluetly no affect, everything is so bland and boring (even MSN!). And the prospect of sleeping even seems so tiresome (no pun intended) even though you are completely exhausted and all week have waited for the weekend so you could finally sleep (in).

So if nothing you could possibly do (including things that usually give you hours of entertainment on end) could make you any less bored, and if you don't even want to sleep it off and get rid of your exhaustion at least, this mood is truly a pain in the arse - that is unless you decide to hit the town for the night. I'll definitely be opting for the latter option next weekend.

P.S.Is it just me, or does everyone else get these moods too?

Metaphorical musings

They say the sun shines at 6000 degrees celcius (15 million degrees celcius at the core) all year round - day in, day out. Then why the hell can't we feel it in winter?

Apple on a tree

In a world so fallen like ours - with so much suffering and little justice done, with such temporary pleasures and neverending hardships - I find hope in God alone. Nevertheless, I am human and tend to crop God out of the picture as one so often does. With God out of the picture, there is nothing to cling onto in this stuffed up world of ours. Everything is so damn temporary, things can change in the blink of an eye - people you thought you knew, relationships you thought were solid. One minute you're cruising along the river of life, having a ball. The next, you are stuck in the mangroves or something.

Hmm. I haven't really came to a conclusion yet so I guess this is To be continued...

9:20

I'm bored.
And want to clear my head.
I still don't know what subjects to do.
My room is messy.
It's getting on my nerves.
It usually doesn't.
But now it is.
I think I do have a slight case of OCD.
Hmm.
That is something to ponder.
I wish my slight case of OCD could get me out of school.
I can't be bothered to do anything.
I have done nothing all day, besides tan a few shades darker.
As a result I smell like sunscreen.
I am not a freak who wants skin cancer :)
Besides I like the smell.
And I still tan with it on.
I'm quite pleased with my skins ability to tan a shade darker after 10 minutes in the sun.
At least if I can't achieve anything for myself my skin can.
It has a mind of it's own.
I wish everything did.
The first thing on my mental to do list is "Write several different to do lists".
I have so much to do that I have to seperate my to do lists, how lame.
But my to do lists are now more than ever including things to think about, rather than things to do.
Decisions to make.
Like subjects.
I need to write a pro's and con's list, that may help.
I like abrupt sentences, I think.
I tend to write like this when in strange moods like this.
What is this?
I wish I could write songs.
That would be pretty awesome hey?
I suppose I could write poetry and it could be a song.
But then again, I can't really write poetry.
You know, I'm not really sure why I don't like Shakespeare.
I mean, when I think back on the texts we have done, they aren't all so bad.
I hate competition.
Therefore I hate exams.
I want to move countries.
I want to go to England.
I want to go on holidays.
Holidays are like space.
A vacuum.
Empty.
And they empty you head.
I got that from my french exam.
I hate these moods.
I always seem to get them on saturday nights.
What's with that?
Hmm.
It's been 27 minutes already.
28.
29.
30.
Meh.
I've lost any train of thought I had.
So I'm out.

Harry Potter Fan Alert

Read this: http://www.smh.com.au/news/books/jk-rowling-reveals-that-one-of-her-characters-is-gay/2007/10/20/1192301087070.html

You'll be shocked. I was.

Arghh, I hate how she doesn't include all this in the books, she should! It can't be part of the character or the book unless it's in the friggen books! Why reveal all this interesting jaw-dropping stuff (however outrageous it may be) when the series is over?! That's the whole point of a book, to tell a story - you can't just finish the book and say "Well actually I left out half the story but I can explain now if you like".
So frustrated.

Become Who You Are

Today I found out that Mainstay has put out a new album. I am quite excited, I am considering buying it. Check out the lyrics and the explanations (which are awesome) here: http://www.jesusfreakhideout.com/lyrics/new/artist.asp?artist_id=148. Both their albums are fantabulous and the lyrics speak of relevant issues. I would elaborate on the album and lyrics and so on, but that would be a waste of my time, because it is all in the explanations of the songs - so read if you wish to learn of my thoughts...or the thoughts of another which I mainly agree with. I *heart* Mainstay.

Animals?

I am so sick of thinking. Not of "philosophical musings" (as mentioned in my previous blog), but of thinking. Of decisions. Of weighing up the pros and cons of things. If only the type of memory erasing that exists in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind was possible. But not for memories. For thoughts. *sigh* I often wonder how life as an animal would be. Not a dog or anything big and domestic. Perhaps a snail - slow paced. Or a fish, a goldfish. I used to wish I was a fish when I was young, so I could stay at the beach and in the water forever.

I wonder. Dogs (and some other animals, I s'pose) can get human ailments such as arthirtis and pneumonia and stuff. I wonder if they can get mental illnesses. Hmm. OK, so I haven't heard of any animal with schizophrenia. But why not. I'm sure they could. Somehow. When I become a psychologist I shall investigate on animals :) ...if I become a psychologist. An animal psych...hmm. Is their such thing? I could become the first :) I wonder if animals find their daily tasks and problems as daunting as we can sometimes find ours. Would a meerkat think "farout, time to scavange for food again, arghh" or a chimp complain "my arms hurt from swinging!"? You probably think these are completely stupid questions, but unless you have been a chimp or a meerkat before, you wouldn't know the answer and hence, my questions aren't stupid :)

Hmm, I am having trouble understanding the mind-body concept. I am not sure what the actual concept is, but I don't get why one can't be another, so to speak. Or why one can't be born an animal. Well obviously because of the parents. But thearetically... why isn't my mind in the body of a giraffe for instance? Hmm.

Well I have probably lost everyone (anyone?) right about now, so I will cease to write my seemingly "abstract" thoughts before someone actually thinks I was meant to be an animal and chucks me in a zoo :) ...and because I'm starting to think I am sick of philosphical musings - I realised they're a bit like maths, they're hard to get your head around so after a while you just want to forget about them *sigh*

Bus Musings - Disrupted

If alone, I often have philosphical musings whilst on the bus. Not so much on the train, I'm not sure why, but the bus is much more apt. However, yesterday, I was unable to concentrate due to a person nearby me, listening to their iPod (or some other sort of mp3 player). This person obviously didn't know what earphones were invented for. Let me explain. You see, earphones were made so that one could listen to their own music, without making the surrounding people have to put up with what may or may not be horrible music. This person was listening to horrible music, and it was extremely loud. He may aswell have not been using earphones and plugged his mp3 into speakers to share the love. Please, if you are going to listen to horrible music for the whole bus trip (or rather, one long horrible song for the whole bus trip...) do us both a favour and turn down the music 10 notches, 'cause I highly value my rare bus musings (and not so much your bad taste in music), and if the music is loud enough for me to hear, and going directly into both of your ears, you are probably half deaf, or on your way to such a state :) Don't make whoever invented the earphones' hard work be in vain.

FACTS!

FACT: I still have a bruise on my foot from the mosh at Exo Day (1st sept!).

FACT: Wednesday is an awesome TV night.

FACT: You can hire upto 12 dvds (of any sort) for only $1 each at my local Video shop.

Summer TV

I heard Snow Patrol on the radio today and it made me realise how much I miss Grey's Anatomy, *sigh*. In the meantime, while I anxiously await it's return, I'll definitely be tuning in to the new season of Heroes, which I recently found out starts tomorrow (9.30, ch 7 for all you Heroes lovers - pfft, as if you didn't already know that). I think you should too! :)

P.S. This blog is truly retarded...it isn't Tuesday! Nor is it 6:something-a-rather p.m.

It started off as "Holidays" but I'm not sure what to call this anymore..

So after 11 long weeks (2 of which were exam-filled), it's finally holidays. And after 4 years of the ugly junior uniform, I am finally moving onto it's significant other - the ugly senior uniform*.

Well. I'm not really sure what to say. Except that I am reading a good book, and am looking forward to reading other good books these holidays. I haven't completed a good book (or really, any book) since Harry Potter (but even still, my mind is undecided about whether it was actually good). That's what school does to you, alright.


*Note: It didn't used to be so ugly, but my school has this obsession with making the life of our year group pretty miserable. They ruin/abolish anything slightly good (work experience - we didn't do it), introduce things we'd rather not have had introduced (Armidale - well it wasn't that bad, but the work was boring, and the place is a hole that's 8 long bus hours away) and change horrible things the year after we had to endure them (yr 7 camp - hiking isn't my thing...niether is peeing behind a termite mound). They decided all this wasn't enough, and hence changed the senior "blouse" just as we are about to changeover and made it compulsory to wear the new one.




P.S. While writing this blog I discovered two important things:

1) With more exposure to the extensive amount of punctuation in the English language (or in any langauge I spose), I have become quite sucky at constructing sentences. I tend to use every other form of punctuation BUT the full stop, which often results in one massively confusing sentence. I also noticed this when I recieved my Science exam, in which I wrote a whole fat "extended answer" in 3 sentences, the first 2 merely restating the question. Opps.

2) This new blog spot sucks, you can't cut-and-paste :(

We were meant to live for so much more...

Life not death

Love not hate

Selflessness not selfishness

Smiles not frowns

Faith not indifference

Doubt not ignorance

D'n'M's not superficial chit-chat

Empathy not apathy

Laughter not tears

Hope not hopelessness

Generosity not greed

Spuring not stirring

Companionship not isolation

Joy not despair

Patience not impatience

Opinion not disregard

...Have we lost ourselves?

Blogger.com - Home of my new blog

A long time ago, I got over my myspace blogging and accepted to do some confidential work for another. However, recently, I decided that I needed a new blog spot. So now, I have moved onto bigger and better things here at www.epitome-of-an-epiphany.blogspot.com, where you can make my procrastination a little worth while - and perhaps procrastinate a bit yourself - by reading my blogs. Enjoy :)
P.S. Anyone who uses these blogs - what region do I set the time to? It's not working :S