Pathways

In life there are too many options for each decision. Yet, often, not one option will appeal to me. Is that just because there are too many options? Or too little? :S

When tomorrow comes

Today was a good day.
Today I found out that the new season of Grey's Anatomy starts tonight - and that it's going to be on twice a week!
Today I got a call back from the lady that gave me a job interview and got asked to come in for a trial shift.
Today I actually did some work in maths and science for the first time...all semester? (Not that I should really be feeling any sense of accomplishment about that, it's pointless work afterall...I don't see why I start trying now anyway)
Today is nearly over.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

Reactants ---> Products

I have 'found the answer' to this one problem several times. But that's exactly the problem. Each potential answer doesn't end up being an answer at all. Everytime I think I've found the answer, I hesitate for a moment (or more) and then decide to risk it, only to later find out that the answer was no better than it's three predecessors.

The thing is, I have once again 'found the answer'. After looking back at the other times I thought I had found the answer, I wonder if this will end the same way the other answers did - with disappointment - or whether I will truly be able to say that I've found the solution and solved the problem.

Do I take the risk and test the solution? In the end, I think I will. Because although I don't know that it'll lead me down a better path than any of the other solutions, I think that having had experienced the results of those bad decisions (which once appeared to be solutions), I am more able to discern what really could be an answer and what isn't. I therefore believe that it will be an answer. After all, there is never 'the' answer to any problem, there's serveral.

A need for greed

I had a job interview today. I prepared, 'cause I was freaked out I wouldn't know what to say, and I was encouraged by life long learning day (as lame as that may be...), so yes. The lady was pretty nice however there were a few questions I wasn't counting on, and as one of my weaknesses is "not being able to think on my feet", I had a little trouble there. For example she made me do this thing where I had to sell her pen to her. Twas strange, and a little scary, but she said I did well. I need a job. I need something to keep me busy. And I need money :) It's not my ideal job, but meh, stick it out for a few months and then I can put it on my resume and get a better job much quicker.

On another note, usually I think little kids are crazy and selfish when they have a fit 'cause they want something and they want it now. But I think I can empathise. Obviously I am past the stage where I scream for toys in the shopping centre. But not in a materialistic sense. Just wanting something and not being able to wait much longer. I dunno, it sounds crazy, but whatever.

Musings of the day

A light mauve wooden shed - a darker shade outlines the windows and the door.
The echo of footsteps within.
A hot water tank behind the door which is held open by a couple of mauve roof tiles.
A blue bucket lies on a shelf, as does an abandoned pipe.
A few more roof tiles, this time terracotta.
A laundry sink, with a rusted tap.

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Today, the head of senior school stood infront of the assembly to make some quite pathetic conclusions to the service, as per usual. Usually, she opts for the environment, or the community. Those are just two of her favourites, and combined with a story from her long ago childhood, she could talk for hours. I assume she believes she can relate to us if she speaks of her childhood with us. Today she approached a new matter in concluding the assembly. She, in her old age, has become aware that vandalism is occuring in the community, and that it has unfortunately, somehow, crept it's way into the school grounds. Apparently people have 'slashed' some of the chairs and evidently, that means people are carrying sharp objects with them (scissors?). It was her closing remarks however that left most laughing - She admitted that whoever vandalises must have issues, and urged those who "desire" to destory things to come and see her as she is wanting to help them solve their problems before they turn into a full bred criminal.

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I want to get away. I want to move countries. Go somewhere where I know no-one. Be whoever the hell I want to be. And not be concerned about people's expectations and standards. Not be who others want me to be. Create my own life. That's what I feel like doing.

LLL

We had Life Long Learning today. It consisted of 3 seminars which were Financial planning (budgeting) and Interview techniques, Role models (ex-students and what they are doing), and Study tips. Unlike some, I found most of it quite helpful, except for the Role models segment, because it just made me stress about not knowing what I want to do in UNI. The man who held the Financial planning and Interview techniques session was extremely boisterous. His shiny shoes squeaked against the wooden floorboards when he moved, and boy did he move around a lot. He used his hands a bit too much I'd say. It was funny - he was wearing a microphone on his tie and it was on the left side of his chest. During the seminar, there was a beating sound coming form the speakers and he stopped and listened to it and said he could start rapping to it. I wondered what the sound was, and one of my friends told me it was his heart beating. pretty amazing hey. Although, makes me wonder why his heart wasn't beating for the first half of the seminar.

The man was quite humerous in fact. He told us a few funny stories, and at one point I was crying from laughter. Twas funny.

The ex-students session made me think I wanna do something related to medecine, but not medecine (or pharmacy or dentistry for that matter). I don't want to chop up dead people in UNI. Eww. The reason I got this idea was because one of the girls that had finished the HSC this year wants to do something thats related to medecine and physics, 'cause she isn't keen on the idea of chopping up people either. Although I'd prefer not to do anything physics related :) I more want to be a specialist. But that requires stupid medecine. I really don't see why I have to chop up body parts if I'm not going to be a surgeon. Arghh.

The study techniques were very helpful, but as most things, won't do anything unless you apply them yourself. I doubt I will. But I'm atleast motivated to get my act together next year and really try to try. I have to learn to time manage before year 12. If thats the only thing I learn next year, then so be it.

Anyway, all in all, a pretty average day. Nearly the weekend :D

Daily Observations

Today, when I was at the station, a guy came and sat near me. He looked about 22 I'd say. For the sake of this blog, let's just call him Steve. As he walked past I noticed he had a backpack with him, but when he sat down, he was a little behind my line of sight, so I couldn't see what he was doing exactly. I heard him whispering Shut up, sit down, just stay there a few times and had no idea who he was talking to, because at first glance, he appeared to be alone. I assumed Steve was perhaps on drugs or was just a bit psycho. However, I chanced a quick glance at him and saw, to my surprise a small, extremely cute, white fluffy dog, which I think was a maltese terrior minus the yapping. The dog was sitting in Steve's lap, hardly moving, but every time it made a slight fidget (not even an attempt to escape from his lap - I would have) he would swear at it and tell it to shut up (which was funny 'cause I didn't once hear it make a noise) and be still. I hadn't really thought of how the dog suddenly appeared from nowhere (I had assumed he was carrying it and it camoflagued with his white top and I just hadn't seen it) until he swore again and threatened the dog. Shut up or I'll put you back in the bag, I swear. (Not that the dog would understand that since he was whispering and all - he could have been saying how good a dog he was, for all the poo thing knew) I couldn't believe he was carrying it in that bag. Isn't there laws against that? Surely that classifies as animal cruelty. I mean the backpack didn't even have air holes in it or anything - the poor thing could have suffocated in there if left for too long. Not like it'd make a difference, the poor thing will probably die of lung cancer 'cause Steve stunk like a smoker and I'm pretty sure he was smoking at the time, with the dog in his lap. The train was about to come in a couple of minutes so I got up off the bench I was sitting on, and some old lady took my place next to Steve after a bit. As the train was about to come, Steve opened his backpack and placed the dog inside and zipped it fully, all while the old lady was watching him (and while I, from afar, was also watching him, obviously). The lady spoke to him and said Will it be right in there? Has it got enough air? (or something along those lines, I don't pay that much attention to detail) and to my surprise he answered in a quite friendly manner explaining that the dog will be fine and it has enough air (which I highly doubted). After only a few seconds the poor thing started to cry and he opened the zipper a bit so the dog could stick it's head out. It was terribly cute. Anyway, Steve boarded the train on the same carriage as me, and I got off and that was about the end of it. Aside from his friendly manners, I was also surprised by the contradictingly affectionate way he hugged and held the dog and the way he scratched it behind the ears. It was cute. I s'pose a dog really is a man's best friend (apart from the whole cruelty thing).

"Pens Down"

Well SC is over. Technically, it's not, 'cause we still have the "computing skills test" tomorrow, but it is the easiest thing ever. I wouldn't give if I failed it anyway. And we only need to come in for one hour tomorrow :) So I think I may do some job hunting *sigh* Gay, really need to find a job.

I'm so glad I never have to hear that stupid lady's voice again. She was so annoying.
"Supervisors, please stop collecting"
[3 seconds later]
"OK, you can start collecting again"
Arggh. Boy did she like the sound of her own voice in that microphone, funny, 'cause everyone else hated it. She liked having the power to control us, you could tell.
Weirdo.

Meh, anyway. Maths was great, wasn't too bad at all, although I didn't check much at the end, and just before our time was up, I checked something and realised it was wrong, but didn't have time to change it :( Oh well. Only a multiple choice question, probably won't make a difference.

History and Geography could have been worse, but I can't say I was too thrilled with them either. Had to fudge my way through a lot of it, but as with the Science paper, I made up stuff that sounds semi-believable :) I knew the Whitlam Dismissal back to front though, which was awesome - I didn't have enough room to write so I ended up writing on the blank page at the back, which I think you're meant to keep blank. Opps. I knew I should have wrote small. I hope they don't penalise me. Or worse, I hope they don't ignore it and not mark it at all! I think I may have wrote on a blank page for Geography also. It's not my fault they don't give me enough room to write as much crap as I can possibly think of. If only there was a blank page at the back of the interview in English, I would have definitely used that too! I have a bit of a habit with writing in undesignated writing spaces. I often fill up the margins if I've run out of room :) Hmm, I think I may have done that for a couple of question today too. Hehe, I still remember my History teacher saying my paper was a mess and she could hardly read it 'cause I had written in the margins. Sheesh.

Wasn't stressed at all, but glad it's all over anyway. The rest of this week's a bludge - tomorrow is the computing test for 1 hour, thursday we don't do work 'cause it's some life long learning crap, and friday we only go to school for half a day :D Then only 3 weeks of school left, which is rollover anyway, so I can finally get an idea whether I've chosen the wrong subjects or not.

Yep, that's about it.

OWLS *cough* I mean, SC

I had my first School Certificate exams today. English and Science. They were easy, and I had quite a bit of time to spare in each. In English, we had to write an imaginative piece that referred to 'laughter' in some way, and I wrote about this girl who was always being laughed at and kept on moving schools and at the end she decided the only solution was to be the one laughing, not the one laughed at :) It was pretty damn awesome, if I may say so myself. I screwed up the interview though, they so didn't give us enough room to write! I had to write an interview about this girl's entire life story (from growing up on a farm, to going on a gap year, to studying marine biology and then finally how she became an animal activist and started a new group in her community to save wildlife) in one tiny page! Ok, so I should have simplified her life a little, but it was a brilliant life story and besides, by the time I realised I should have cut out the crap, it was already too late. So I ended up saying what the whole interview was meant to be about in the last 2 lines. Opps :)

Science was alright, better than I expected, but then again that's what I thought of the trials :S Had to make up a bit of crap along the way, but it sounded semi-believable, so all is good :)

I haven't studied at all for the SC. I really don't care. It was kinda weird though. Walking into the exam room and realising the people that weren't in uniforms weren't teachers we knew, but rather Board of Studies exam supervisors. I had forgotten all about that, or maybe I never really knew? I think I only thought they come in for HSC exams. The lady that used the microphone to tell us the instructions and say "Pens down" had an annoying voice. The whole thing reminded me of Hogwarts and the OWLS examinations, because I remember how they had people from the Ministry of Magic or something come in to supervise those exams. I know this sounds crazy, but it kinda felt like I was at Hogwarts. *Sigh* I love those moments, it's my dream come true - to live in the wizarding world and go to Hogwarts and all. But yeah, other than that brief magical daydream, my day wasn't out of the ordinary :)

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy - Down in my heart - Where? - Down in my heart to stay

I am going to type out a reflection that I read from a devotions book last night, which I hadn't really touched since I bought it from Koorong months ago. The book is called "Peace for a Woman's Soul". I'm not entirely sure why, because it doesn't seem to specifically address women. I'm sure a guy could read it and get just as much out of it. I recommend you do read it (even if you are a guy =]), 'cause so far, the few pages of it I have read have been great.

Anyway, here it is:

Joy is not only an emotion to be desired, it is also a command to be obeyed. Joy is - to some degree - a choice. How can this be? Are you to simply ignore your circumstances and live outside of reality? No, but a life of joy can be learned - and suffering is most often the teacher.

The Scriptures clearly point out the path toward a life of joy: accept your circumstances and be thankful in them, choose not to worry, fix your eyes on jesus rather than on your situation - follow his example in suffering - and put your hope in future glory. It is through the joy and peace exhibited in suffering that God is most visible in your life. When you live a life of joy - regardless of your circumstances - others will see Jesus in you.

Whatever your current circumstances, God longs to comfort you, heal you and give you his peace, joy and hope. Take your needs to him in prayer. Lay all your hurts and worries before him. Ask him to help you accept your circumstances, fix your eyes on Jesus and live life in joy and peace.

I found this book and this particular message at the right time, or rather it found me at the right time. Through it, God pretty much directly answered questions and doubts I had concerning the topic of joy. I have grappled with this certain topic for quite some time now, and have slowly grasped certain aspects of it. However, each time I read over that reflection, it amazes me more and more how directly related it was to the aspects I was still having trouble understanding. It is amazing how perfect God's timing is and the various ways he speaks to us.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" - Proverbs 3:5-6

P.S. The title is an old Padstow Sunday School song that I haven't remembered in years, but just suddenly came to me when I was thinking of what to name this =] Good old Padstow days!

People I Trust

I was thinking a bit today about the people I trust most. It was funny, 'cause in almost all of them, (there weren't many), I noticed similarities. The people I trust tend to not only go to another school, but are also people that I don't see very regularly (some of which live far away) but am still quite close with. These people are the easiest to talk.

I know I have a trust issue. I don't trust some of the people I really should trust. Not because they are untrustable. Simply for fear of being judged - 'cause they know me too well (or sometimes, only know one side/too little of me), and for fear that they may tell someone, who I also may know, out of concern.

That leads me to the question - Is it simply coincidence that most of those I trust share the common factors I stated above? Or is it that I trust them because they have these common factors? Is it that I trust them, knowing that even if they were to break my trust, it's likely that whoever they told wouldn't be someone who knew me anyway?

If the latter is true, it poses a new problematic quesion in itself - Do I really trust these people at all, or am I just secure in the fact that we are great friends but they don't know anyone that I know? Or in other words - Is this trust or is it taking the easy way out?

The Friday/Saturday Night Mood

I hate it. It is a terribly unbearable mood to be in. Let me explain. It is a mood you inevitably get on a friday/saturday night when there are no parties happening and you have failed to make any social plans. It is a mixture of extreme bordem, exhaustion from the long week that has just passed by, and wanting to do something to eliminate the mood, yet not even wanting to lift a finger at the same time. Really, once the mood has hit, there isn't a lot you can do to get out of it. Everything you try doing to eliminate the mood has absoluetly no affect, everything is so bland and boring (even MSN!). And the prospect of sleeping even seems so tiresome (no pun intended) even though you are completely exhausted and all week have waited for the weekend so you could finally sleep (in).

So if nothing you could possibly do (including things that usually give you hours of entertainment on end) could make you any less bored, and if you don't even want to sleep it off and get rid of your exhaustion at least, this mood is truly a pain in the arse - that is unless you decide to hit the town for the night. I'll definitely be opting for the latter option next weekend.

P.S.Is it just me, or does everyone else get these moods too?