Time

I'm letting go of all I've held onto.
And when it all comes around again I'll walk straight past and shrug them off.

The new year

Yesterday was the first day of the new year. I had spent the last week of 2008 at PY camp; So, coming home exhausted yesterday, I opted for a night in. My parents, however, opted for a night out. I think my parents may be developing more of a social life than than my own. It's pretty scary. Perhaps I should put more effort into developing my social life...

As for welcoming in the new year, I didn't. Well, at least not with optimism. I look forward to being done with school, I just don't look forward to finishing school. I'm told that year 12 has hardly started, that it only gets worse from here; and yet, I feel as if I've already failed. I've got loads to do (...to start) these holidays and I've wasted the last month and I can't get that time back. And now I find myself a month closer to the HSC. I'm even having dreams about the HSC (all bad ones). I've had at least 5 (ranging from english assessments involving waterfalls, to being sent to juvy and not being able to complete the HSC) that I can remember, and I'm sure amongst the many dreams that I don't remember the next morning, I've had more. The only dreams I remember these days are the ones about yr 12. Even when I'm not thinking about it directly, it's obviously floating around in my subconcious anyway. To add insult to injury, I don't have much time left because I'm heading off to Port Macquarie soon and will be spending a couple of weeks up there.
On second thought, maybe I should post-pone the whole developing my social life thing 'til after the HSC..? Pretty sure yr 12 will ruin my attempts anyway.

12/12/08

I sometimes wish I was friends with someone like Dumbledore. Then I could borrow his pensieve and temporarily (or permanently) dispose of the thoughts and memories I wish not to think about. That would be nice.

Alas (I sound like Dumbledore..) - Yr 12 Begins

So, once again, holidays have inevitably drawn to an end. But unlike most holidays, they didnt seem to go so fast.

Still, I must face the fact that I'm beginning my last year of school. It seems absurd, 'cause it feels like it was only yesterday when I was pitying/bagging out those entering year 12 this time last year.

Do I feel prepared? Not at all.
But what is there to prepare? I think I'll take things as they come; read half of each of my books before deciding they're nothing but boring crap; do assesments a couple of nights before (rather than the night before...or morning of); study last minute and in the car on the way to school; cringe at the lower-than-I-hoped-for marks that I receive (especially for english :S); see my careers adviser frequently, hoping she'll decide on my future for me (since I have no clue...); stress too much; study too little.

No, I don't want for yr 12 to pan out like this - I'd much prefer a cool, calm and collected approach to this year, in which I study hard and stress less. And, of course, manage my time. But, being the slight pessimist that I am, this is the way I see things panning out... At least for now - things might change after the massive lectures I will, no doubt, receive from my parents (in the car on the way to school, when I can't escape) and teachers.
Let's hope they do.

(Do I have to put a title)

So, I've decided to write another blog. I haven't blogged in a while. I'm finding I don't know how to anymore: everytime I start crapping on about one thing or another and if I wasn't me I'd find these blogs tediously boring. But that's ok, 'cause I am me, and you're you. So if you do find my blogs tediously boring, I suggest you don't read them :)

I wasn't going to write about this (school and what not), but I will anyway. It's Friday, 9.25 am and I am awaiting someone to answer their phone/reply back to my message/answer some form of communication *cough* India *cough* so I can get out of here...

I've just finished exams, and with the lack of study that took place I think I managed to scrape through OK. Mind you, I'm a brilliant crammer (cramming is forever the best form of study - don't listen to your teachers, they just want you to fail), and I did stay up till 1, 2 or 3 am on most nights. Except when it came to my two heavy content subjects. I had 5 days off to study for them in total, but because they were in the last week, it was starting to feel like holidays already. So, instead, I decided I would just lounge around, go to the park to "study" with Soph and make Strawberry frappes all week. Seriously, screw it, who gives a damn. These are my last ever exams to bomb out in, so may as well take advantage of that :)

So now that I've finished exams, I have a 4 day weekend (woohoo) and then 4 days of bludgy school (one of which will be taken up by an all day legal excursion to the courts including the coroners court - double woohoo) including muck up day. Always fun to see what the year 12's get upto. As long as you don't get egged...
And then it's holidays! Then yr 12, hsc, uni, work, marriage, babies, death. I'm psyched.

Aside from all that... (I don't know if I can actually throw this into the same blog now, but I will) I hate the feeling of knowing that you're losing grip of a friendship. As much as you try to be as close as you used to be, you fail. You put effort in and they respond with not even a smidgen of the effort you gave them, so that it seems that they are completely indifferent to the loss of a previously close friend. Before you know it, you have nothing left to talk about, barely anything in common. You've both been seperated by time and changes and unless you both build a bridge that still connects you despite these factors, then the friendship is lost. Half a bridge won't get you to the other side. It would allow you to stand at the top of the bridge and shout across a distance.
So, as much as you hate it, circumstances force you to stop talking, to stop building that bridge 'cause it's virtually impossible on your own. And you both walk along seperate paths, growing further and further apart, your mind and body aching as you watch that parts of the bridge you did manage to build gradually eroding, crumbling below until there's nothing left. And that's it. Another friendship down the drain, gone, dead, extinct.
*sigh*

Deep...& Meaningful (it's late)

There's not a day that goes by without me wondering if I've made the right choice. The lack of choice makes it harder - it isn't really a decision, more a situation which can't be side-stepped. My life is at a stand-still, I wonder when it will start moving again and where it will go from here...

The usual

So I haven't blogged in yonks (well it feels like it anyway) and when I'm finally in the blogging state-of-mind (yes there is a certain state-of-mind for blogging...) my computer decides to run at an agonisingly slow pace. That being said, I don't even have anything to blog about, I'm just in the mood.

Actually, I remember the trivial thing I came to blog about - I think I am no longer double jointed in both knees! My right knee hurts soo much when I try to double joint it. Which is a bit of a pain in the arse, 'cause I often subconciously stand double jointedly (it's more comfortable, don't ask why) and now when I do that there's a sharp pain in the back of my leg and I revert back to normal stance *sigh*

Aside from that, I go back to school on Tuesday. Definitely not looking forward to it, I need more sleep - 3 weeks isn't enough! I also need some time (a couple of months would be nice) to complete: 8 exercises of maths (used to be 15), 1 assesment, 1 boring movie (for the assessment), 2 books, chem work and ext. english work. Great. So tomorrow night I shall be up doing all this. Not really, I will probably only do the maths, 'cause the assessment isn't due till Friday, so I will, no doubt, do it Thursday night. And books can be easily substituted by my dear friend Sparknotes. The rest, I'm sure, can wait :) I don't know why I just smiled, I'm quite stressed really...

Ok, I don't know what else to blog about, and I'm certain I've bored myself more than anyone who actually reads this. So that's all for now :)

Post Script: I just read over my previous blogs and realised I forgot to mention how much shopping I've done these hols...so my resloution this term is to savee! :)

Boredom drives me craaazyyyyy

I haven't been doing much lately. I eat, sleep, go to school and socialise. I work (as in at my job) too, occassionally. But I can't even blame my lack of doing anything on school and how busy it's kept me lately. I've neglected all school work ever since PY (which gave me a false sense of holiday spirit), coming home everyday and doing jack all. Consequently, I have a minimum of 1 book to read, 1 (boring!) movie to watch and 15 maths excercises to do these holidays. Brilliant XD I feel I have to do something! I mean, even if I'm not catching up on work, I need to do something to keep me preoccupied. It's ridiculous. I wait on msn hoping someone will entertain me. And when that doesn't occur, I consider sleeping. At 8:34pm! What has gotten into me?

Oh well. One day left. And then I won't feel guilty doing jack all (and shopping HEAPS yieww!)

Sex & the City

Warning: the following content may contain spoilers. Read no further if you are a die-hard Sex & the City fan and wish to find out the details of the movie for yourself.

Last night I went to see the Sex & the City movie. Let it be known that I have never watched a full 15 minutes of the show and, just yesterday, established that it is indeed "Sex and the City" and not "Sex in the City". Furthermore, I highly dislike Sarah Jessica Parker and concluded she was a terrible actress from watching The Family Stone, however came to a slight appreciation of her role in Sex & the City.

The movie was a fairly good and enjoyable chick-flick, but having said that, it was also rather predictable. It came to a point towards the end of the film, where it could have ended perfectly and still have been a 'feel-good' ending - Carrey remaining single, unmarried and still happy - but no. Ofcourse it must end as all chick-flicks do. With Carrey reuniting with "Big" (I so didn't get that...) and having a simple wedding as she had first planned. Something right for the two of them. Because they are right, no, perfect for eachother. This meant that only one character was left single at the end of the film (Samantha) but as she was not the main focus of the movie, it didn't have much of a affect on the audience.

While I enjoyed the movie (but not when I stacked it up the stairs when it ended, resulting in a now throbbing knee), I'm starting to hate predictable plots and happy endings. But from watcing the previews (the best part about going to the movies, ofcourse) I'm excited to see Get Smart and Benjamin Button :)

A week later and I still haven't properly caught up on sleep. I haven't been in a "maths mood" for a while now so I started off by reading the Twilight Series (everyone's raving, I had to check them out. Only just started, but nothing can ever replace Harry Potter in my heart) during maths today but even that I couldn't manage doing without my eyelids drooping so I ended up sleeping away the period, taking advantage of the fact that we had a sub today.

On Wednesday however I happened to have my favourite day of the cycle which occurs every week B. English, Legal and a half, double "study", maths, and free (ie. go home early!). So a total of 3.5 lessons. This by itself is an awesome deal, however this Wednesday also happenned to be Photo Day. A day when every girl replaces her usual 2 inch think pancaked make-up for 3 inches of it. A day when the teachers take the opportunity to tell these girls that they should revert back to their usual 2 inch pancaked face because they apparently look "orange" (I spose some of them actually do, but those weren't the people given face wipes to remove their makeup...) and don't know how to match their foundation to their skin colour properly. A day when the teachers say there are no exceptions to the rules, BUT that if you're going to where makeup you should at least where the right colour. A day when the deputy says that too much makeup will affect our leadership skills. A day of stress over bad hair days and blotchy skin. A day of superficiality. (God, I hate my school). I had year group photo during period 1 (English) and consequently easily missed the whole lesson. Might I add, I was glad to have been in one of the middle rows, as opposed to 2nd top row last year, even though I really haven't shrunk. Those tears freak me out - I hate heights. We then had to vote for leaders for next year on the blue mats in the gym and after that I had Macquarie Cup photo. Next we headed off to College Hall for individual photos. Waiting in a line for half an hour without it moving an inch was perfectly fine by me, but some fat old cow made us move to the other line (it was meant to be alphabetical gosh) which was moving at a steady pace. I didn't want to go to the remainder of Legal so I frolicked around the courtyard but ended up making an appearance for the last 10 mins anyway. So of my 3.5 period day, I had avoided 2.5 periods already. During my double free I was totally alert but then in period 5 maths (my only period of the day), the tiredness kicked in and I couldnt stay awake so resigned to sleeping in maths AGAIN. I don't understand, of my 6 period usual day, I only had 1 period and the rest of the time I could have slept but I chose to sleep during my only lesson. I so should have stayed home that day.

So I really need to get into the maths mood sometime soon because I haven't done any maths in yonks and hav stacks to do as a result of it being an ideal period to sleep in.

*****

In other news, I discovered a phenomenon called "lucid dreams" otherwise dubbed LD. These are dreams in which one is aware that they are actually only in a dream. There are two types - one where you are concious of that stage between wakefulness and sleeping, and the other where you realise the situation is too bizarre to be true and come to the conclusion that it must be a dream. If I'm not mistaken, I have had a couple of the first type and one vivid one of the latter. I'm awesome :] I decided to google this concept (I discovered it in a book I was reading and although fictitious, the author's note said the idea was real) and found out that while most people will have an LD at random (and may not even remember it), one can train themselves to be able to have one at will. I also read that when in a LD one (after some training and perseverance) can learn to control the happenings of their dream. Overwhelmed by the coolness of these dreams and amazed that I had had a few, I decided to try to train my brain to have some more. First I was told by trusty wikipedia that I should try to recall my dreams more often and that the easiest way to do this is to lie completely still once waking up (activating muscles doesn't help dream recall) and... remember. I was also told that I should practice reality checks in real life (such as trying to put your finger through your hand) and then you may decide to do this in a dream (and when your finger goes through you will become aware you are in a dream). Equipped with lots of new information swimming in my mind, as well as being in the middle of a book all about LDs must have helped when I went to bed determined to try it all out. As I lay in bed I tried putting my finger through my hand several times. No success. Obviously I was still awake...

I woke up the next morning and thought "damn it, I didn't even have a dream I can remember" but as I brushed my teeth it started coming back and I realised I had tried putting my finger through my hand and it started squirming through and the shock scared me. Unfortunately I didn't become aware that I was only in a dream.

When I woke up this morning, I tried to stay still as I desperately searched for scraps of dreams I may have had throughout the night. It didn't help that my mother was standing ontop of me, threatening to pour water on my face if I didn't get up. *sigh* But I'm working on it, I so wanna fly in my dream, apparently it's a popular choice. There are other methods used to induce an LD, including going to bed really tired, sleeping for 5 hours, waking up and recalling your dream and then sleeping again, focusing on being concious that your in a dream once you return to it. Looks like I'm never gonna be able to stay awake in maths now...

*****

While the book was awesome in that it introduced me to this phenomenon and made me want to study psychology, philosophy and neuroscience again, it surprisingly turned out to be pretty crap. I've read two other books by the author and they were awesome, so I was expecting nothing less of this book. The funny thing was, it was good throughout the book, but the resolution just confused the hell out of me. I mean, was it in a dream? Was it real? Is he in a mental institute now? It's not just that it was confusing and ambiguous, it's just like, what was the point of the damn book? What was the ending? What was the climax even? Gosh, I hate books like that. I've read two in a row now, so these stupid Twilight books better be as good as everyone makes them out to be.

exhausted rambles

Although I'm extremely exhausted and should probably sleep early rather than sleeping again through Maths and English tomorrow (as I did today), I am blogging. Because I'm in a pensive state and thats what I do when I think. Write my thoughts. So in advance, I apologise for disjointed sentences, grammatical errors, obvious typos and generally sentences which don't make much sense because that's what happens when I'm nodding off.

So the reason for my exhaustion is PY winter camp which I attended over the long weekend. Didn't sleep too well during camp and should have caught up on sleep last night by sleeping early, but that never happens for me. So here I am, still dead tired, writing a blog rather than sleeping. Wow, I'm smart. I'll regret it in the morning no doubt. But back to camp. Although the camp itself was pretty boring and short and there wasnt any free time and I've been to better camps, it was still good hanging out with people I only see (for the most part) every 6 months. When you only see someone that occassionally they seem so much more interesting than they really are. Or at least more interesting then the people you see everyday and consequently get bored of (no offence, really). The bush dance was a classic. And for some reason I think the best memories should always be made on swings. They are awesome. It really is possible to defy gravity and fly with no[t much] aid. Such a feeling of emancipation I never though possible. And whenever I go on a swing I feel like listening to some Snow Partrol, or that song "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton. Hmm. Swings also make me pensive. Especially at night.

I feel like going for a walk. Or some chocolate milk. Hmm.

So seeing as I have lots of catching up to do (blogging, homework, sleep) I shall do the blogging part now so I can cross it off my mental to do list. Well, the other week I hopped off the bus early and went a visited the new library, as you do (if you're a nerd like me). It was pretty rad - 2 stories high, study rooms, a cafe, lots of computers etc (although the book selection is still pretty crap, theyve just transferred all the old stuff from the old library and are yet to buy new and exciting stuff). I walked back upto the bus stop again, not having stayed at the library too long (to my dismay - I realised they close early on the day I chose to go). The bus wasn't due for another 25 minutes so I listened to the radio on my phone (nova 96.9 'the wrong way home', because Ahkmel is hilarious) and because we had had mufti that day, I placed my country road bag ontop of my folder next to me on the bench I was sitting on. To my surprise (and excitement - it was rapidly darkening and I hate walking home in pitch black), 5 or so mintues later the bus arrived so I hurriedly picked up my bag and hopped on the bus, sitting down next to and old primary school friend an beginning to chat casually. The bus driver was still letting people on and my friend pointed down the aisle at someone and as I looked, (not having recognised the person), I thought he was holding a pizza box in his hand and delivering me a pizza for some bizarre and unknown reason. Now my eyesight isn't that bad, that was merely for a nanosecond. I realised he was holding my folder which I obviously left on the bench, forgetting (in my rush) that it was beneath my bag. I was so grateful, if he hadn't been as kind to make that small but big gesture, I would have lost a fat (and falling apart) folder full of 2 terms worth of hard work. A beloved and relied upon folder. My best and trusty friend. It amazing how much such a small gesture can affect your life. I may be melodramatic but I would have been near devastated if I had lost my folder. I may aswell have not been going to school all year [ok, clear example of a sentence which I just cannot word atm sorry, "me no speak English mais Je parle francais dan Saya ngobrol di Indonesia"]. So yes, thankyou kind man :)

On another happy note, only 2 and a half weeks till holidays and I'm pumped. Three whole glorious school-free weeks this time, yay! It's the only thing that gets me up in the morning.

OK, I think there was much more I wanted to say, but slowly I am having more and more difficulty stringing two words together without sounding like English is my 15th language (besides, if there was more I wanted to say, I can't remember it atm). So I will spare myself the humiliation and mentally check off "blogging" and "sleep" on my to do list as I lie in bed counting sheep and catching up on sleep :)

Friendship? (again...)

Ok, so I've already posted today. But 7 or so trips downstairs to stare in the fridge,and a bag of sour lollies later, I still haven't read a page of either of the books relating to my assesment, nor have I even contemplated picking up a pen. I'm dead bored and wish I went out today. So in times of desperation like these, my mind likes to thinks a lot. And hence, another I feel another blog coming on. Except it seems to be interconnected with my last few blogs, but whatever. So here is my wasting-time blog:

I hate disappointment. Oh my God. It's horrible. Ok no, I don't really hate disappointment. I hate friendship that's dissapointing. I particularly hate becoming really good friends with someone really fast. And then a few months later, the friendship has died. It strengthens at high speed, so after such a short space of time, it reaches its peak and has no where else to go but down. And just as it strengthens quickly, so it disintegrates. Those friendships never ever last. You'd be lucky if it lasted over 6 months, and a year's a milestone. But those are also the sort of friendships which you put your all into. Because of the lightening speed pace, it doesn't take much time before you've told them most, if not all, your secrets; before you've poured out your soul. And once you've done so, there's no getting it back. And in no time you've realised that the friendship was built on shaky ground - that you skipped the basic establishing stages and that it would inevitably fail. But the fact that you put your all, and they too put their all, into the friendship, makes it the type of friendship that's hardest to see fall apart, because you (foolishly) allow yourself to become attached to the person much too quickly, unlike in normal friendships.

I have got to get out of this habit. I never thought there'd be an 'unhealthy' way to make friends. Argh.

Bleugh, cliche and unoriginal I know. But no one reads this anyway, right?

"First a warning, musical; then the hour, irrevocable"

At present, I am meant to be doing my English assesment, plus loads of other things including 2 speeches, maths past papers, chem assesment/study, etc. But I can't concentrate, so instead my mind wandered to this:

Things have changed. When I think of people, places, things, relationships, attitudes, of the past I realise how much everything has changed. How that guy I used to like I now think is an arrogant jerk and am indifferent to his presence. How those good times, memories and personal jokes with that friend I don't even speak to anymore were short lived. How that good friend was only ever a good friend to use me. How that place used to make me think about nothing but now makes me remember everything. How those people, that place I have no connection to now, were the best, and things would be different if we stayed. How that seems so long ago I can hardly recall it, as if it never was a part of my past, but if it was a part of the present I wouldn't be able to imagine life without it. How the person that made me happiest I haven't in years and probably never will again. How all these people I haven't spoken to or seen for ages probably don't remember me or give me a thought now.

I wish I never grew up. I wish I could stop growing up, but the moment's too hard to grasp.

Extract of hope

If you can make people hate themselves because they cannot achieve an airbrushed fiction, you can sell them lots of ultimately useless shit - machines and cellulite creams and diets and weight-loss teas.

Why?

Because if there's one thing we humans are more addicted to than food that's battered and deep-fried, it's hope.

- SMH Blogs "All Men Are Liars" by Sam de Brito

Friendship...?

Tonight I had the biggest vent (bitch) about people I dislike (hate) with my sister. People who are stubborn, selfish and manipulative. People who only ever come to you when they need help and when you're the last resort. People who are rude, generally mean, and will do anything to get their way. People who I used to consider close, true friends. Up until recently I have still believed some of these people to be good friends of mine. I've always excused their wrong-doings and been deceived by their fascades. Their fake kindness. I've tried to understand their lack of effort in maintaining a good friendship, and have come to the conclusion, that there's simply no good excuse. I'm sick and tired of defending these people as my friends - standing up for them, sticking by them - when clearly they don't act like it. So I'm in the process of distancing myself from these people. And it feels good.

But then there are others. Friends who I do believe to be true friends, display similar traits as previous "friends". Friends who don't put much effort into friendship; who I constantly have to call otherwise the friendship wouldn't exist. I'm not sure whether I will look back at my friendships with these people and again recognise that they weren't true friends from the first place (or the true friendship was short-lived and died long ago) and that I should have dumped them at the time.

*sigh* Friendship is exhausting.

Random rambles

Tonight is friday. It doesn't feel like friday. Not even in the slightest. I have actually forgotten that it's friday several times tonight. That's because for the past term my friday night's have (quite sadly) been defined by migranes and debates of great hilarity. Tonight was a debate-free night however not quite a migrane-free one. My usually long friday debating days signify the end of the school week. I felt like there was nothing to signify this today, it felt so open-ended, as if I'd again be rocking up to school tomorrow morning. Was great to catch the social hour bus though - quite a funny bus trip :)

Changing the subject: I am quite excited about my unofficial illegal piano lessons with Ana in 'study' periods. Haha. Gonna be a pro in no time :P I am also excited about having festival adventures with my soon-to-be festival junkie buddy Debbie (lol - I stuck that in just for you Debs, you said you wanted a mention :]). I am NOT excited about doing my ext. English assesment this w/e :(

*sigh* I'm exhausted.

Chicken and Chem

I think I am becoming a vegetarian. Every time I go to eat meat it makes me want to puke and I have to stop eating it, if I have at all touched it. It could be another of my phases, but those phases are usually provoked by something (e.g. watching Madeline*, dissecting a chicken wing in yr 8 science and seeing all the gross tendons and joint ligaments etc) and as far as I can see, there's been nothing to provoke my sudden dislike of meat. Well I mean, today my Indonesian class went to an indo restaurant and the chicken was rank with like hairs on it and some of it was more like fried bone than chicken, and other parts looked like they had fingers etc. But it wasn't just me who thought that, my whole 6 person class thought the chicken was rank - the food in general, but we had a good laugh about it. And besides, I've been having these vegetarian tendencies for like a month now. Hmm, interesting.

In other news, chemistry is rad, as nerdy as that makes me sound (and Jess, haha). Apart from our teacher announcing today that we will be having weekly friday chemistry tests, that is. Today we heated metals. Magnesium, we discovered, creates a bright white light which you're not supposed to look at but we sorta did anyway. Was awesome - like the sun before our very eyes :) And, the iron nail we heated went red hot and we were able to hammer it into a different shape. We also have our regular accidents, which is mainly what provides our constant entertainment in chem. Today for example, we were heating a test tube with HCl acid and a metal in it and the test tube had a stopper to trap any gases produced. We were meant to take off the stopper and test if there was gas present, but as I was telling Jess to hurry up and take the stopper off, and while she was complaining that she wasn't going to put her hand in a bunsen flame to take off the stopper, the stopper popped off loudly and flew halfway across the room. Haha, so funny. In yet another hilarious incident, we were meant to be heating magnesium or something in a crucible (a little bowl thingo with a lid) and it was meant to glow bright. Ours wasn't glowing bright, and after 20 minutes of heating it (unsuccessfully), we looked around and realised that we weren't meant to have a gauze mat on the tripod beneath the crucible and the pipe-clay triangle. This led to jess clumsily using the tongs to try to remove the unneccessary piece of equipment and almost dropping several things in the process whilst trying to conceal all this from our nazi teacher. Ahh good times. Then there was the time when I compared chem to Harry's potion class - what with the nazi teacher, the times when we totally screw up an experiment and try to hide what we're doing plus our hystericalness etc. Haha, can finally experience life like it is at Hogwarts, at least to some extent.

I think that's it. I had de ja vu while writing this blog, so I apologise if I've written this all before elsewhere.


*When I was young I loved Madeline. Hence, when the Madeline movie came out I bought it and watched it for what would have seemed a trillion times at the time, but was actually only a total of about 5 before wanting new entertainment. As a little kid does when they love someone/something, I imitated Madeline. In the movie, she befriended a chicken called Freddy (or rather, whom she named Freddy) and didn't want to eat him (or other chickens) after that. She eventually ate chicken at the end again I think, I'm not entirely sure though. Well, I didn't get as far as befriending any chickens but I did go on a chicken strike. I refused to eat chicken and when my mum tried to force feed me some of Freddy I said "If I say 'Freddy' three times, I'll throw up!" and I said 'Freddy' three times and ran to the sink to spew. I was really intouch with my psychic when I was young haha.

The wonder of possibility

I hate when people say things and you don't know whether they are being serious or not. I hate when something someone said sticks in your mind and you overanalyse every possible meaning of what they said and get lost in the wonder of possibility. I hate when you can't ask them what they meant and if they were indeed being serious. I hate when people say things they don't totally mean because of one reason or another. More than anything, I hate not knowing.

***

Last night we had debating as usual on friday nights. The topic, if I recall correctly (it was very wordy and long), was "That models should have to satisfy the minimum healthy weight standards before being allowed to participate in the Australian Fashion Week". Because it was another away debate (at St. Catherine's) we were negative, which I much prefer because we don't have to make a model and it's easier to defend the status quo than propose change. Although I must say, saying models can be sickly thin isn't the easiest thing to defend, but we did a good job of it. I don't know if I have said before, but I'm 2nd speaker, and have been in previous debates also. The topic was easy enough - we understood it for a start, unlike the week before last. We developed some pretty good arguments and they developed some ok ones which our arguments shut down. Nevertheless, for some bizarre and unknown reason, we lost (again) which was quite disappointing considering we actually debated well and everyone thought we had it in the bag and should have won the debate. Till last night, we hadn't minded losing much at all just because during each debate we could already tell the other team was doing a way better job and so we didn't really need an adjudicator to tell us we had lost. We took it in our stride, tried our best and laughed at Hannah's funny moments, and our overall crapness if we misinterpreted the topic or so on. And we improved. But no, the one time we do well, understand the topic and present a strong case, we lose. Well we won once, but that doesn't count, if we didn't win that debate we would have been more outraged than this week. Last night, we minded. Soo cut. But oh well. Winning isn't everything. It's something, but not everything. We still had fun and laughed at Hannah's moments and tried not to 'cause the debating teacher was sending eye signals not to. Good times. It's funny, when I first got involved in debating through Macquarie Cup I was wishing I hadn't signed up. Now it's fun as and I reckon I could possibly miss doing it once it ends at the beginning of next term. It's already finished for this term but we are still training and then it starts up again in week 1 or 2 next term and we only have 2 debates next term because pigs could fly if we get into any of the knock off rounds. But it's ok, I've had fun and will look back on debating as not only a good new experience and a means of developing confidence but also remember some of the funniest personal jokes ever. *sigh* I think I wanna do UNI debating, would be cool. Although probably way more competitive and serious. And I like fun debating. Oh well, shall see when I get there :)

Different but same same

Everyone that has ever walked across this earth is different. We all have different personalities, different flaws, different strengths, different character traits. Some of us may be selfish, others may have a low self esteem; some too easily trust, others not; some hold on, others let go. We all make different mistakes, experience different experiences and come from different perspectives. We all have different upbringings, different cultures. Yet the fact that we all have flaws and strengths and personalities and the fact that we all make mistakes and have experiences and perspectives and culture and upbringing makes us all the same. We are all human. So one may not understand what it's like to live another's life, may no understand their perspectives or culture, but our different paths and flaws and personalities and experiences and perspectives all teach us exactly the same thing - what it means to be human. It's just different ways of learning the same lessons. We all love and hate, and cry and laugh, and dance and mourn, so really beneath it all we are the same. Why won't humanity wake up and realise that?

"Stream of conciousness"

For the past 3 weeks, we have over analysed each individual word of the the first Act of Macbeth in advanced English (and people wonder why I over analyse situations so much...). Today, in merely one 50 minute period, we skimmed through Acts 2 and 3, so that I barely know what happened in those 2 acts, let alone techniques and what not. And saying that the middle 2 acts of the plays aren't as relevant is absolute bull because everyone knows that's not true. Why the hell do I have to have such an illogical English teacher? *sigh* Not only is she illogical and obviously doesn't know how to manage time (I'm not being hypocritical - I'm a student, she's a teacher) she also sets lots of written responses for us to hand in and then never bothers collecting them and doesn't bother handing them back when she does collect some. She only handed back some comprehension responses today, mine not included. What teacher subjectively chooses half the classes responses, marks them and hands them back and (with no explanation) ignores the other half? I may aswell not bother doing them anymore since she doesn't even check you've handed it in and doesn't ever bother asking for them even if only 3 students hand them in and quite obviously the najority of the class hasn't. I still have a fairytale appropriation I wrote one late night last week for ext. english and she hasn't cared to collect it (I'm unfortunate enough to have the same teacher for advanced and ext). Ridiculous - there's no such thing as improvement without some form of criticism.

*****

Today I had my ext. 1 maths assesment, and it wasn't all so bad. I got stuck on about 3 questions and went in circles on one of them, but apart from that I think I did reasonably well, considering I didn't do much study. I was contemplating staying up till the early hours of the morning to do some past papers but was totally dead and couldn't care less at the time :)

*****

These past few weeks, in particular this one, have gone so fast, and I'm glad. Not too long ago I experience one loooong week and ever since then the weeks have been flashing before my eyes and I can hardly get a grip on time because, before I know it, we've come to the end of the week and it's the weekend again. After tomorrow, everything will become a whole lot less stressful, because the work may not ever decrease (because I don't do any of it) but it certainly won't increase and pile up either, because I have only 2 days of school next week and on each of those days I am sitting an assesment for a couple of periods and then leaving. So I won't have any additional h/w or assignments until the following Tuesday =) , by which time I would have hopefully attempted to complete some work that is currently piling up. Otherwise if not, at least I just won't have legal/chem assesments to study (or worry...) about.

*****

I need a new job *sigh*. Job hunting, fun. Can't wait to find a new job though.

*****

There's so many things I want to do in life. If I wrote a list I'm positive it would be more than 100 things to do before I die. But where is the time? When will I ever get the chance to do all these things? It's so frustrating to think that the majority of your life you go to school, go to uni, work and have kids all the while suffering stress and growing old and wrinkley without realising it, until you find one day that you're in a hospital bed or nursing home and you can't explain how you got there (perhaps because you have amnesia...). *sigh* I want adventure.

And speaking of wants, I was also recently thinking that I want guts. Or rather, I want the ability to express my guts. To say what I think and do what I want and not care what other people think, not care about the consequences. To focus on the now reasons for doing something, rather than over analysising the future implications of the not-yet-done action. Like in Macbeth. Where Lady Macbeth says "Come, thick night, / And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, / That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, / Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, / To cry, 'Hold, hold.'" To take risks and not worry about reputation because you only get one shot at life. To be not only young, but carefree, because the two go side by side, right? Since when do carefree spirits die at the age of 16 (or less)? It feels like just yesterday that I was in primary school. I often see people from my primary school on my bus or at the shops, and whether they be in my year or younger, most of them haven't changed and so it takes so little effort to transport myself back to that small little building in that small little room at the back where we sat and relive those moments. Just today when I hopped off the bus, I saw a young girl from my primary school (who was probably just starting kindy when I left) who has an older sister (who was in about year 3 or 4 when I left also). The younger one is now probably in year 4 and is exactly how I remember the older one to be, however I also see her around sometimes and she is in year 8 or 9. Where did all the time pass? That one sister should look exactly like her other half did 5 years ago? *sigh*


That is all.