I'm letting go of all I've held onto.
And when it all comes around again I'll walk straight past and shrug them off.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
The new year
Yesterday was the first day of the new year. I had spent the last week of 2008 at PY camp; So, coming home exhausted yesterday, I opted for a night in. My parents, however, opted for a night out. I think my parents may be developing more of a social life than than my own. It's pretty scary. Perhaps I should put more effort into developing my social life...
As for welcoming in the new year, I didn't. Well, at least not with optimism. I look forward to being done with school, I just don't look forward to finishing school. I'm told that year 12 has hardly started, that it only gets worse from here; and yet, I feel as if I've already failed. I've got loads to do (...to start) these holidays and I've wasted the last month and I can't get that time back. And now I find myself a month closer to the HSC. I'm even having dreams about the HSC (all bad ones). I've had at least 5 (ranging from english assessments involving waterfalls, to being sent to juvy and not being able to complete the HSC) that I can remember, and I'm sure amongst the many dreams that I don't remember the next morning, I've had more. The only dreams I remember these days are the ones about yr 12. Even when I'm not thinking about it directly, it's obviously floating around in my subconcious anyway. To add insult to injury, I don't have much time left because I'm heading off to Port Macquarie soon and will be spending a couple of weeks up there.
On second thought, maybe I should post-pone the whole developing my social life thing 'til after the HSC..? Pretty sure yr 12 will ruin my attempts anyway.
As for welcoming in the new year, I didn't. Well, at least not with optimism. I look forward to being done with school, I just don't look forward to finishing school. I'm told that year 12 has hardly started, that it only gets worse from here; and yet, I feel as if I've already failed. I've got loads to do (...to start) these holidays and I've wasted the last month and I can't get that time back. And now I find myself a month closer to the HSC. I'm even having dreams about the HSC (all bad ones). I've had at least 5 (ranging from english assessments involving waterfalls, to being sent to juvy and not being able to complete the HSC) that I can remember, and I'm sure amongst the many dreams that I don't remember the next morning, I've had more. The only dreams I remember these days are the ones about yr 12. Even when I'm not thinking about it directly, it's obviously floating around in my subconcious anyway. To add insult to injury, I don't have much time left because I'm heading off to Port Macquarie soon and will be spending a couple of weeks up there.
On second thought, maybe I should post-pone the whole developing my social life thing 'til after the HSC..? Pretty sure yr 12 will ruin my attempts anyway.
Friday, December 12, 2008
12/12/08
I sometimes wish I was friends with someone like Dumbledore. Then I could borrow his pensieve and temporarily (or permanently) dispose of the thoughts and memories I wish not to think about. That would be nice.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Alas (I sound like Dumbledore..) - Yr 12 Begins
So, once again, holidays have inevitably drawn to an end. But unlike most holidays, they didnt seem to go so fast.
Still, I must face the fact that I'm beginning my last year of school. It seems absurd, 'cause it feels like it was only yesterday when I was pitying/bagging out those entering year 12 this time last year.
Do I feel prepared? Not at all.
But what is there to prepare? I think I'll take things as they come; read half of each of my books before deciding they're nothing but boring crap; do assesments a couple of nights before (rather than the night before...or morning of); study last minute and in the car on the way to school; cringe at the lower-than-I-hoped-for marks that I receive (especially for english :S); see my careers adviser frequently, hoping she'll decide on my future for me (since I have no clue...); stress too much; study too little.
No, I don't want for yr 12 to pan out like this - I'd much prefer a cool, calm and collected approach to this year, in which I study hard and stress less. And, of course, manage my time. But, being the slight pessimist that I am, this is the way I see things panning out... At least for now - things might change after the massive lectures I will, no doubt, receive from my parents (in the car on the way to school, when I can't escape) and teachers.
Let's hope they do.
Still, I must face the fact that I'm beginning my last year of school. It seems absurd, 'cause it feels like it was only yesterday when I was pitying/bagging out those entering year 12 this time last year.
Do I feel prepared? Not at all.
But what is there to prepare? I think I'll take things as they come; read half of each of my books before deciding they're nothing but boring crap; do assesments a couple of nights before (rather than the night before...or morning of); study last minute and in the car on the way to school; cringe at the lower-than-I-hoped-for marks that I receive (especially for english :S); see my careers adviser frequently, hoping she'll decide on my future for me (since I have no clue...); stress too much; study too little.
No, I don't want for yr 12 to pan out like this - I'd much prefer a cool, calm and collected approach to this year, in which I study hard and stress less. And, of course, manage my time. But, being the slight pessimist that I am, this is the way I see things panning out... At least for now - things might change after the massive lectures I will, no doubt, receive from my parents (in the car on the way to school, when I can't escape) and teachers.
Let's hope they do.
Friday, September 19, 2008
(Do I have to put a title)
So, I've decided to write another blog. I haven't blogged in a while. I'm finding I don't know how to anymore: everytime I start crapping on about one thing or another and if I wasn't me I'd find these blogs tediously boring. But that's ok, 'cause I am me, and you're you. So if you do find my blogs tediously boring, I suggest you don't read them :)
I wasn't going to write about this (school and what not), but I will anyway. It's Friday, 9.25 am and I am awaiting someone to answer their phone/reply back to my message/answer some form of communication *cough* India *cough* so I can get out of here...
I've just finished exams, and with the lack of study that took place I think I managed to scrape through OK. Mind you, I'm a brilliant crammer (cramming is forever the best form of study - don't listen to your teachers, they just want you to fail), and I did stay up till 1, 2 or 3 am on most nights. Except when it came to my two heavy content subjects. I had 5 days off to study for them in total, but because they were in the last week, it was starting to feel like holidays already. So, instead, I decided I would just lounge around, go to the park to "study" with Soph and make Strawberry frappes all week. Seriously, screw it, who gives a damn. These are my last ever exams to bomb out in, so may as well take advantage of that :)
So now that I've finished exams, I have a 4 day weekend (woohoo) and then 4 days of bludgy school (one of which will be taken up by an all day legal excursion to the courts including the coroners court - double woohoo) including muck up day. Always fun to see what the year 12's get upto. As long as you don't get egged...
And then it's holidays! Then yr 12, hsc, uni, work, marriage, babies, death. I'm psyched.
Aside from all that... (I don't know if I can actually throw this into the same blog now, but I will) I hate the feeling of knowing that you're losing grip of a friendship. As much as you try to be as close as you used to be, you fail. You put effort in and they respond with not even a smidgen of the effort you gave them, so that it seems that they are completely indifferent to the loss of a previously close friend. Before you know it, you have nothing left to talk about, barely anything in common. You've both been seperated by time and changes and unless you both build a bridge that still connects you despite these factors, then the friendship is lost. Half a bridge won't get you to the other side. It would allow you to stand at the top of the bridge and shout across a distance.
So, as much as you hate it, circumstances force you to stop talking, to stop building that bridge 'cause it's virtually impossible on your own. And you both walk along seperate paths, growing further and further apart, your mind and body aching as you watch that parts of the bridge you did manage to build gradually eroding, crumbling below until there's nothing left. And that's it. Another friendship down the drain, gone, dead, extinct.
*sigh*
I wasn't going to write about this (school and what not), but I will anyway. It's Friday, 9.25 am and I am awaiting someone to answer their phone/reply back to my message/answer some form of communication *cough* India *cough* so I can get out of here...
I've just finished exams, and with the lack of study that took place I think I managed to scrape through OK. Mind you, I'm a brilliant crammer (cramming is forever the best form of study - don't listen to your teachers, they just want you to fail), and I did stay up till 1, 2 or 3 am on most nights. Except when it came to my two heavy content subjects. I had 5 days off to study for them in total, but because they were in the last week, it was starting to feel like holidays already. So, instead, I decided I would just lounge around, go to the park to "study" with Soph and make Strawberry frappes all week. Seriously, screw it, who gives a damn. These are my last ever exams to bomb out in, so may as well take advantage of that :)
So now that I've finished exams, I have a 4 day weekend (woohoo) and then 4 days of bludgy school (one of which will be taken up by an all day legal excursion to the courts including the coroners court - double woohoo) including muck up day. Always fun to see what the year 12's get upto. As long as you don't get egged...
And then it's holidays! Then yr 12, hsc, uni, work, marriage, babies, death. I'm psyched.
Aside from all that... (I don't know if I can actually throw this into the same blog now, but I will) I hate the feeling of knowing that you're losing grip of a friendship. As much as you try to be as close as you used to be, you fail. You put effort in and they respond with not even a smidgen of the effort you gave them, so that it seems that they are completely indifferent to the loss of a previously close friend. Before you know it, you have nothing left to talk about, barely anything in common. You've both been seperated by time and changes and unless you both build a bridge that still connects you despite these factors, then the friendship is lost. Half a bridge won't get you to the other side. It would allow you to stand at the top of the bridge and shout across a distance.
So, as much as you hate it, circumstances force you to stop talking, to stop building that bridge 'cause it's virtually impossible on your own. And you both walk along seperate paths, growing further and further apart, your mind and body aching as you watch that parts of the bridge you did manage to build gradually eroding, crumbling below until there's nothing left. And that's it. Another friendship down the drain, gone, dead, extinct.
*sigh*
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Deep...& Meaningful (it's late)
There's not a day that goes by without me wondering if I've made the right choice. The lack of choice makes it harder - it isn't really a decision, more a situation which can't be side-stepped. My life is at a stand-still, I wonder when it will start moving again and where it will go from here...
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The usual
So I haven't blogged in yonks (well it feels like it anyway) and when I'm finally in the blogging state-of-mind (yes there is a certain state-of-mind for blogging...) my computer decides to run at an agonisingly slow pace. That being said, I don't even have anything to blog about, I'm just in the mood.
Actually, I remember the trivial thing I came to blog about - I think I am no longer double jointed in both knees! My right knee hurts soo much when I try to double joint it. Which is a bit of a pain in the arse, 'cause I often subconciously stand double jointedly (it's more comfortable, don't ask why) and now when I do that there's a sharp pain in the back of my leg and I revert back to normal stance *sigh*
Aside from that, I go back to school on Tuesday. Definitely not looking forward to it, I need more sleep - 3 weeks isn't enough! I also need some time (a couple of months would be nice) to complete: 8 exercises of maths (used to be 15), 1 assesment, 1 boring movie (for the assessment), 2 books, chem work and ext. english work. Great. So tomorrow night I shall be up doing all this. Not really, I will probably only do the maths, 'cause the assessment isn't due till Friday, so I will, no doubt, do it Thursday night. And books can be easily substituted by my dear friend Sparknotes. The rest, I'm sure, can wait :) I don't know why I just smiled, I'm quite stressed really...
Ok, I don't know what else to blog about, and I'm certain I've bored myself more than anyone who actually reads this. So that's all for now :)
Post Script: I just read over my previous blogs and realised I forgot to mention how much shopping I've done these hols...so my resloution this term is to savee! :)
Actually, I remember the trivial thing I came to blog about - I think I am no longer double jointed in both knees! My right knee hurts soo much when I try to double joint it. Which is a bit of a pain in the arse, 'cause I often subconciously stand double jointedly (it's more comfortable, don't ask why) and now when I do that there's a sharp pain in the back of my leg and I revert back to normal stance *sigh*
Aside from that, I go back to school on Tuesday. Definitely not looking forward to it, I need more sleep - 3 weeks isn't enough! I also need some time (a couple of months would be nice) to complete: 8 exercises of maths (used to be 15), 1 assesment, 1 boring movie (for the assessment), 2 books, chem work and ext. english work. Great. So tomorrow night I shall be up doing all this. Not really, I will probably only do the maths, 'cause the assessment isn't due till Friday, so I will, no doubt, do it Thursday night. And books can be easily substituted by my dear friend Sparknotes. The rest, I'm sure, can wait :) I don't know why I just smiled, I'm quite stressed really...
Ok, I don't know what else to blog about, and I'm certain I've bored myself more than anyone who actually reads this. So that's all for now :)
Post Script: I just read over my previous blogs and realised I forgot to mention how much shopping I've done these hols...so my resloution this term is to savee! :)
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