Epitome of an Epiphany

Time

2009-05-24T21:50:00.003+10:00

I'm letting go of all I've held onto.
And when it all comes around again I'll walk straight past and shrug them off.

The new year

2009-01-02T22:59:00.002+11:00

Yesterday was the first day of the new year. I had spent the last week of 2008 at PY camp; So, coming home exhausted yesterday, I opted for a night in. My parents, however, opted for a night out. I think my parents may be developing more of a social life than than my own. It's pretty scary. Perhaps I should put more effort into developing my social life...

As for welcoming in the new year, I didn't. Well, at least not with optimism. I look forward to being done with school, I just don't look forward to finishing school. I'm told that year 12 has hardly started, that it only gets worse from here; and yet, I feel as if I've already failed. I've got loads to do (...to start) these holidays and I've wasted the last month and I can't get that time back. And now I find myself a month closer to the HSC. I'm even having dreams about the HSC (all bad ones). I've had at least 5 (ranging from english assessments involving waterfalls, to being sent to juvy and not being able to complete the HSC) that I can remember, and I'm sure amongst the many dreams that I don't remember the next morning, I've had more. The only dreams I remember these days are the ones about yr 12. Even when I'm not thinking about it directly, it's obviously floating around in my subconcious anyway. To add insult to injury, I don't have much time left because I'm heading off to Port Macquarie soon and will be spending a couple of weeks up there.
On second thought, maybe I should post-pone the whole developing my social life thing 'til after the HSC..? Pretty sure yr 12 will ruin my attempts anyway.

12/12/08

2008-12-12T22:32:00.002+11:00

I sometimes wish I was friends with someone like Dumbledore. Then I could borrow his pensieve and temporarily (or permanently) dispose of the thoughts and memories I wish not to think about. That would be nice.

Alas (I sound like Dumbledore..) - Yr 12 Begins

2008-10-12T13:22:00.002+11:00

So, once again, holidays have inevitably drawn to an end. But unlike most holidays, they didnt seem to go so fast.

Still, I must face the fact that I'm beginning my last year of school. It seems absurd, 'cause it feels like it was only yesterday when I was pitying/bagging out those entering year 12 this time last year.

Do I feel prepared? Not at all.
But what is there to prepare? I think I'll take things as they come; read half of each of my books before deciding they're nothing but boring crap; do assesments a couple of nights before (rather than the night before...or morning of); study last minute and in the car on the way to school; cringe at the lower-than-I-hoped-for marks that I receive (especially for english :S); see my careers adviser frequently, hoping she'll decide on my future for me (since I have no clue...); stress too much; study too little.

No, I don't want for yr 12 to pan out like this - I'd much prefer a cool, calm and collected approach to this year, in which I study hard and stress less. And, of course, manage my time. But, being the slight pessimist that I am, this is the way I see things panning out... At least for now - things might change after the massive lectures I will, no doubt, receive from my parents (in the car on the way to school, when I can't escape) and teachers.
Let's hope they do.

(Do I have to put a title)

2008-09-19T09:19:00.003+10:00

So, I've decided to write another blog. I haven't blogged in a while. I'm finding I don't know how to anymore: everytime I start crapping on about one thing or another and if I wasn't me I'd find these blogs tediously boring. But that's ok, 'cause I am me, and you're you. So if you do find my blogs tediously boring, I suggest you don't read them :)

I wasn't going to write about this (school and what not), but I will anyway. It's Friday, 9.25 am and I am awaiting someone to answer their phone/reply back to my message/answer some form of communication *cough* India *cough* so I can get out of here...

I've just finished exams, and with the lack of study that took place I think I managed to scrape through OK. Mind you, I'm a brilliant crammer (cramming is forever the best form of study - don't listen to your teachers, they just want you to fail), and I did stay up till 1, 2 or 3 am on most nights. Except when it came to my two heavy content subjects. I had 5 days off to study for them in total, but because they were in the last week, it was starting to feel like holidays already. So, instead, I decided I would just lounge around, go to the park to "study" with Soph and make Strawberry frappes all week. Seriously, screw it, who gives a damn. These are my last ever exams to bomb out in, so may as well take advantage of that :)

So now that I've finished exams, I have a 4 day weekend (woohoo) and then 4 days of bludgy school (one of which will be taken up by an all day legal excursion to the courts including the coroners court - double woohoo) including muck up day. Always fun to see what the year 12's get upto. As long as you don't get egged...
And then it's holidays! Then yr 12, hsc, uni, work, marriage, babies, death. I'm psyched.

Aside from all that... (I don't know if I can actually throw this into the same blog now, but I will) I hate the feeling of knowing that you're losing grip of a friendship. As much as you try to be as close as you used to be, you fail. You put effort in and they respond with not even a smidgen of the effort you gave them, so that it seems that they are completely indifferent to the loss of a previously close friend. Before you know it, you have nothing left to talk about, barely anything in common. You've both been seperated by time and changes and unless you both build a bridge that still connects you despite these factors, then the friendship is lost. Half a bridge won't get you to the other side. It would allow you to stand at the top of the bridge and shout across a distance.
So, as much as you hate it, circumstances force you to stop talking, to stop building that bridge 'cause it's virtually impossible on your own. And you both walk along seperate paths, growing further and further apart, your mind and body aching as you watch that parts of the bridge you did manage to build gradually eroding, crumbling below until there's nothing left. And that's it. Another friendship down the drain, gone, dead, extinct.
*sigh*

Deep...& Meaningful (it's late)

2008-08-09T00:25:00.002+10:00

There's not a day that goes by without me wondering if I've made the right choice. The lack of choice makes it harder - it isn't really a decision, more a situation which can't be side-stepped. My life is at a stand-still, I wonder when it will start moving again and where it will go from here...

The usual

2008-07-20T22:54:00.003+10:00

So I haven't blogged in yonks (well it feels like it anyway) and when I'm finally in the blogging state-of-mind (yes there is a certain state-of-mind for blogging...) my computer decides to run at an agonisingly slow pace. That being said, I don't even have anything to blog about, I'm just in the mood.

Actually, I remember the trivial thing I came to blog about - I think I am no longer double jointed in both knees! My right knee hurts soo much when I try to double joint it. Which is a bit of a pain in the arse, 'cause I often subconciously stand double jointedly (it's more comfortable, don't ask why) and now when I do that there's a sharp pain in the back of my leg and I revert back to normal stance *sigh*

Aside from that, I go back to school on Tuesday. Definitely not looking forward to it, I need more sleep - 3 weeks isn't enough! I also need some time (a couple of months would be nice) to complete: 8 exercises of maths (used to be 15), 1 assesment, 1 boring movie (for the assessment), 2 books, chem work and ext. english work. Great. So tomorrow night I shall be up doing all this. Not really, I will probably only do the maths, 'cause the assessment isn't due till Friday, so I will, no doubt, do it Thursday night. And books can be easily substituted by my dear friend Sparknotes. The rest, I'm sure, can wait :) I don't know why I just smiled, I'm quite stressed really...

Ok, I don't know what else to blog about, and I'm certain I've bored myself more than anyone who actually reads this. So that's all for now :)

Post Script: I just read over my previous blogs and realised I forgot to mention how much shopping I've done these hols...so my resloution this term is to savee! :)

Boredom drives me craaazyyyyy

2008-06-26T20:19:00.003+10:00

I haven't been doing much lately. I eat, sleep, go to school and socialise. I work (as in at my job) too, occassionally. But I can't even blame my lack of doing anything on school and how busy it's kept me lately. I've neglected all school work ever since PY (which gave me a false sense of holiday spirit), coming home everyday and doing jack all. Consequently, I have a minimum of 1 book to read, 1 (boring!) movie to watch and 15 maths excercises to do these holidays. Brilliant XD I feel I have to do something! I mean, even if I'm not catching up on work, I need to do something to keep me preoccupied. It's ridiculous. I wait on msn hoping someone will entertain me. And when that doesn't occur, I consider sleeping. At 8:34pm! What has gotten into me?

Oh well. One day left. And then I won't feel guilty doing jack all (and shopping HEAPS yieww!)

Sex & the City

2008-06-15T14:03:00.002+10:00

Warning: the following content may contain spoilers. Read no further if you are a die-hard Sex & the City fan and wish to find out the details of the movie for yourself.

Last night I went to see the Sex & the City movie. Let it be known that I have never watched a full 15 minutes of the show and, just yesterday, established that it is indeed "Sex and the City" and not "Sex in the City". Furthermore, I highly dislike Sarah Jessica Parker and concluded she was a terrible actress from watching The Family Stone, however came to a slight appreciation of her role in Sex & the City.

The movie was a fairly good and enjoyable chick-flick, but having said that, it was also rather predictable. It came to a point towards the end of the film, where it could have ended perfectly and still have been a 'feel-good' ending - Carrey remaining single, unmarried and still happy - but no. Ofcourse it must end as all chick-flicks do. With Carrey reuniting with "Big" (I so didn't get that...) and having a simple wedding as she had first planned. Something right for the two of them. Because they are right, no, perfect for eachother. This meant that only one character was left single at the end of the film (Samantha) but as she was not the main focus of the movie, it didn't have much of a affect on the audience.

While I enjoyed the movie (but not when I stacked it up the stairs when it ended, resulting in a now throbbing knee), I'm starting to hate predictable plots and happy endings. But from watcing the previews (the best part about going to the movies, ofcourse) I'm excited to see Get Smart and Benjamin Button :)

2008-06-13T17:07:00.002+10:00

A week later and I still haven't properly caught up on sleep. I haven't been in a "maths mood" for a while now so I started off by reading the Twilight Series (everyone's raving, I had to check them out. Only just started, but nothing can ever replace Harry Potter in my heart) during maths today but even that I couldn't manage doing without my eyelids drooping so I ended up sleeping away the period, taking advantage of the fact that we had a sub today.

On Wednesday however I happened to have my favourite day of the cycle which occurs every week B. English, Legal and a half, double "study", maths, and free (ie. go home early!). So a total of 3.5 lessons. This by itself is an awesome deal, however this Wednesday also happenned to be Photo Day. A day when every girl replaces her usual 2 inch think pancaked make-up for 3 inches of it. A day when the teachers take the opportunity to tell these girls that they should revert back to their usual 2 inch pancaked face because they apparently look "orange" (I spose some of them actually do, but those weren't the people given face wipes to remove their makeup...) and don't know how to match their foundation to their skin colour properly. A day when the teachers say there are no exceptions to the rules, BUT that if you're going to where makeup you should at least where the right colour. A day when the deputy says that too much makeup will affect our leadership skills. A day of stress over bad hair days and blotchy skin. A day of superficiality. (God, I hate my school). I had year group photo during period 1 (English) and consequently easily missed the whole lesson. Might I add, I was glad to have been in one of the middle rows, as opposed to 2nd top row last year, even though I really haven't shrunk. Those tears freak me out - I hate heights. We then had to vote for leaders for next year on the blue mats in the gym and after that I had Macquarie Cup photo. Next we headed off to College Hall for individual photos. Waiting in a line for half an hour without it moving an inch was perfectly fine by me, but some fat old cow made us move to the other line (it was meant to be alphabetical gosh) which was moving at a steady pace. I didn't want to go to the remainder of Legal so I frolicked around the courtyard but ended up making an appearance for the last 10 mins anyway. So of my 3.5 period day, I had avoided 2.5 periods already. During my double free I was totally alert but then in period 5 maths (my only period of the day), the tiredness kicked in and I couldnt stay awake so resigned to sleeping in maths AGAIN. I don't understand, of my 6 period usual day, I only had 1 period and the rest of the time I could have slept but I chose to sleep during my only lesson. I so should have stayed home that day.

So I really need to get into the maths mood sometime soon because I haven't done any maths in yonks and hav stacks to do as a result of it being an ideal period to sleep in.

*****

In other news, I discovered a phenomenon called "lucid dreams" otherwise dubbed LD. These are dreams in which one is aware that they are actually only in a dream. There are two types - one where you are concious of that stage between wakefulness and sleeping, and the other where you realise the situation is too bizarre to be true and come to the conclusion that it must be a dream. If I'm not mistaken, I have had a couple of the first type and one vivid one of the latter. I'm awesome :] I decided to google this concept (I discovered it in a book I was reading and although fictitious, the author's note said the idea was real) and found out that while most people will have an LD at random (and may not even remember it), one can train themselves to be able to have one at will. I also read that when in a LD one (after some training and perseverance) can learn to control the happenings of their dream. Overwhelmed by the coolness of these dreams and amazed that I had had a few, I decided to try to train my brain to have some more. First I was told by trusty wikipedia that I should try to recall my dreams more often and that the easiest way to do this is to lie completely still once waking up (activating muscles doesn't help dream recall) and... remember. I was also told that I should practice reality checks in real life (such as trying to put your finger through your hand) and then you may decide to do this in a dream (and when your finger goes through you will become aware you are in a dream). Equipped with lots of new information swimming in my mind, as well as being in the middle of a book all about LDs must have helped when I went to bed determined to try it all out. As I lay in bed I tried putting my finger through my hand several times. No success. Obviously I was still awake...

I woke up the next morning and thought "damn it, I didn't even have a dream I can remember" but as I brushed my teeth it started coming back and I realised I had tried putting my finger through my hand and it started squirming through and the shock scared me. Unfortunately I didn't become aware that I was only in a dream.

When I woke up this morning, I tried to stay still as I desperately searched for scraps of dreams I may have had throughout the night. It didn't help that my mother was standing ontop of me, threatening to pour water on my face if I didn't get up. *sigh* But I'm working on it, I so wanna fly in my dream, apparently it's a popular choice. There are other methods used to induce an LD, including going to bed really tired, sleeping for 5 hours, waking up and recalling your dream and then sleeping again, focusing on being concious that your in a dream once you return to it. Looks like I'm never gonna be able to stay awake in maths now...

*****

While the book was awesome in that it introduced me to this phenomenon and made me want to study psychology, philosophy and neuroscience again, it surprisingly turned out to be pretty crap. I've read two other books by the author and they were awesome, so I was expecting nothing less of this book. The funny thing was, it was good throughout the book, but the resolution just confused the hell out of me. I mean, was it in a dream? Was it real? Is he in a mental institute now? It's not just that it was confusing and ambiguous, it's just like, what was the point of the damn book? What was the ending? What was the climax even? Gosh, I hate books like that. I've read two in a row now, so these stupid Twilight books better be as good as everyone makes them out to be.

exhausted rambles

2008-06-10T23:03:00.003+10:00

Although I'm extremely exhausted and should probably sleep early rather than sleeping again through Maths and English tomorrow (as I did today), I am blogging. Because I'm in a pensive state and thats what I do when I think. Write my thoughts. So in advance, I apologise for disjointed sentences, grammatical errors, obvious typos and generally sentences which don't make much sense because that's what happens when I'm nodding off.

So the reason for my exhaustion is PY winter camp which I attended over the long weekend. Didn't sleep too well during camp and should have caught up on sleep last night by sleeping early, but that never happens for me. So here I am, still dead tired, writing a blog rather than sleeping. Wow, I'm smart. I'll regret it in the morning no doubt. But back to camp. Although the camp itself was pretty boring and short and there wasnt any free time and I've been to better camps, it was still good hanging out with people I only see (for the most part) every 6 months. When you only see someone that occassionally they seem so much more interesting than they really are. Or at least more interesting then the people you see everyday and consequently get bored of (no offence, really). The bush dance was a classic. And for some reason I think the best memories should always be made on swings. They are awesome. It really is possible to defy gravity and fly with no[t much] aid. Such a feeling of emancipation I never though possible. And whenever I go on a swing I feel like listening to some Snow Partrol, or that song "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton. Hmm. Swings also make me pensive. Especially at night.

I feel like going for a walk. Or some chocolate milk. Hmm.

So seeing as I have lots of catching up to do (blogging, homework, sleep) I shall do the blogging part now so I can cross it off my mental to do list. Well, the other week I hopped off the bus early and went a visited the new library, as you do (if you're a nerd like me). It was pretty rad - 2 stories high, study rooms, a cafe, lots of computers etc (although the book selection is still pretty crap, theyve just transferred all the old stuff from the old library and are yet to buy new and exciting stuff). I walked back upto the bus stop again, not having stayed at the library too long (to my dismay - I realised they close early on the day I chose to go). The bus wasn't due for another 25 minutes so I listened to the radio on my phone (nova 96.9 'the wrong way home', because Ahkmel is hilarious) and because we had had mufti that day, I placed my country road bag ontop of my folder next to me on the bench I was sitting on. To my surprise (and excitement - it was rapidly darkening and I hate walking home in pitch black), 5 or so mintues later the bus arrived so I hurriedly picked up my bag and hopped on the bus, sitting down next to and old primary school friend an beginning to chat casually. The bus driver was still letting people on and my friend pointed down the aisle at someone and as I looked, (not having recognised the person), I thought he was holding a pizza box in his hand and delivering me a pizza for some bizarre and unknown reason. Now my eyesight isn't that bad, that was merely for a nanosecond. I realised he was holding my folder which I obviously left on the bench, forgetting (in my rush) that it was beneath my bag. I was so grateful, if he hadn't been as kind to make that small but big gesture, I would have lost a fat (and falling apart) folder full of 2 terms worth of hard work. A beloved and relied upon folder. My best and trusty friend. It amazing how much such a small gesture can affect your life. I may be melodramatic but I would have been near devastated if I had lost my folder. I may aswell have not been going to school all year [ok, clear example of a sentence which I just cannot word atm sorry, "me no speak English mais Je parle francais dan Saya ngobrol di Indonesia"]. So yes, thankyou kind man :)

On another happy note, only 2 and a half weeks till holidays and I'm pumped. Three whole glorious school-free weeks this time, yay! It's the only thing that gets me up in the morning.

OK, I think there was much more I wanted to say, but slowly I am having more and more difficulty stringing two words together without sounding like English is my 15th language (besides, if there was more I wanted to say, I can't remember it atm). So I will spare myself the humiliation and mentally check off "blogging" and "sleep" on my to do list as I lie in bed counting sheep and catching up on sleep :)

Friendship? (again...)

2008-05-17T16:45:00.003+10:00

Ok, so I've already posted today. But 7 or so trips downstairs to stare in the fridge,and a bag of sour lollies later, I still haven't read a page of either of the books relating to my assesment, nor have I even contemplated picking up a pen. I'm dead bored and wish I went out today. So in times of desperation like these, my mind likes to thinks a lot. And hence, another I feel another blog coming on. Except it seems to be interconnected with my last few blogs, but whatever. So here is my wasting-time blog:

I hate disappointment. Oh my God. It's horrible. Ok no, I don't really hate disappointment. I hate friendship that's dissapointing. I particularly hate becoming really good friends with someone really fast. And then a few months later, the friendship has died. It strengthens at high speed, so after such a short space of time, it reaches its peak and has no where else to go but down. And just as it strengthens quickly, so it disintegrates. Those friendships never ever last. You'd be lucky if it lasted over 6 months, and a year's a milestone. But those are also the sort of friendships which you put your all into. Because of the lightening speed pace, it doesn't take much time before you've told them most, if not all, your secrets; before you've poured out your soul. And once you've done so, there's no getting it back. And in no time you've realised that the friendship was built on shaky ground - that you skipped the basic establishing stages and that it would inevitably fail. But the fact that you put your all, and they too put their all, into the friendship, makes it the type of friendship that's hardest to see fall apart, because you (foolishly) allow yourself to become attached to the person much too quickly, unlike in normal friendships.

I have got to get out of this habit. I never thought there'd be an 'unhealthy' way to make friends. Argh.

Bleugh, cliche and unoriginal I know. But no one reads this anyway, right?

"First a warning, musical; then the hour, irrevocable"

2008-05-17T13:24:00.003+10:00

At present, I am meant to be doing my English assesment, plus loads of other things including 2 speeches, maths past papers, chem assesment/study, etc. But I can't concentrate, so instead my mind wandered to this:

Things have changed. When I think of people, places, things, relationships, attitudes, of the past I realise how much everything has changed. How that guy I used to like I now think is an arrogant jerk and am indifferent to his presence. How those good times, memories and personal jokes with that friend I don't even speak to anymore were short lived. How that good friend was only ever a good friend to use me. How that place used to make me think about nothing but now makes me remember everything. How those people, that place I have no connection to now, were the best, and things would be different if we stayed. How that seems so long ago I can hardly recall it, as if it never was a part of my past, but if it was a part of the present I wouldn't be able to imagine life without it. How the person that made me happiest I haven't in years and probably never will again. How all these people I haven't spoken to or seen for ages probably don't remember me or give me a thought now.

I wish I never grew up. I wish I could stop growing up, but the moment's too hard to grasp.

Extract of hope

2008-05-16T20:09:00.002+10:00

If you can make people hate themselves because they cannot achieve an airbrushed fiction, you can sell them lots of ultimately useless shit - machines and cellulite creams and diets and weight-loss teas.

Why?

Because if there's one thing we humans are more addicted to than food that's battered and deep-fried, it's hope.

- SMH Blogs "All Men Are Liars" by Sam de Brito

Friendship...?

2008-04-29T20:12:00.003+10:00

Tonight I had the biggest vent (bitch) about people I dislike (hate) with my sister. People who are stubborn, selfish and manipulative. People who only ever come to you when they need help and when you're the last resort. People who are rude, generally mean, and will do anything to get their way. People who I used to consider close, true friends. Up until recently I have still believed some of these people to be good friends of mine. I've always excused their wrong-doings and been deceived by their fascades. Their fake kindness. I've tried to understand their lack of effort in maintaining a good friendship, and have come to the conclusion, that there's simply no good excuse. I'm sick and tired of defending these people as my friends - standing up for them, sticking by them - when clearly they don't act like it. So I'm in the process of distancing myself from these people. And it feels good.

But then there are others. Friends who I do believe to be true friends, display similar traits as previous "friends". Friends who don't put much effort into friendship; who I constantly have to call otherwise the friendship wouldn't exist. I'm not sure whether I will look back at my friendships with these people and again recognise that they weren't true friends from the first place (or the true friendship was short-lived and died long ago) and that I should have dumped them at the time.

*sigh* Friendship is exhausting.

Random rambles

2008-04-04T21:00:00.002+11:00

Tonight is friday. It doesn't feel like friday. Not even in the slightest. I have actually forgotten that it's friday several times tonight. That's because for the past term my friday night's have (quite sadly) been defined by migranes and debates of great hilarity. Tonight was a debate-free night however not quite a migrane-free one. My usually long friday debating days signify the end of the school week. I felt like there was nothing to signify this today, it felt so open-ended, as if I'd again be rocking up to school tomorrow morning. Was great to catch the social hour bus though - quite a funny bus trip :)

Changing the subject: I am quite excited about my unofficial illegal piano lessons with Ana in 'study' periods. Haha. Gonna be a pro in no time :P I am also excited about having festival adventures with my soon-to-be festival junkie buddy Debbie (lol - I stuck that in just for you Debs, you said you wanted a mention :]). I am NOT excited about doing my ext. English assesment this w/e :(

*sigh* I'm exhausted.

Chicken and Chem

2008-03-31T19:18:00.002+11:00

I think I am becoming a vegetarian. Every time I go to eat meat it makes me want to puke and I have to stop eating it, if I have at all touched it. It could be another of my phases, but those phases are usually provoked by something (e.g. watching Madeline*, dissecting a chicken wing in yr 8 science and seeing all the gross tendons and joint ligaments etc) and as far as I can see, there's been nothing to provoke my sudden dislike of meat. Well I mean, today my Indonesian class went to an indo restaurant and the chicken was rank with like hairs on it and some of it was more like fried bone than chicken, and other parts looked like they had fingers etc. But it wasn't just me who thought that, my whole 6 person class thought the chicken was rank - the food in general, but we had a good laugh about it. And besides, I've been having these vegetarian tendencies for like a month now. Hmm, interesting.

In other news, chemistry is rad, as nerdy as that makes me sound (and Jess, haha). Apart from our teacher announcing today that we will be having weekly friday chemistry tests, that is. Today we heated metals. Magnesium, we discovered, creates a bright white light which you're not supposed to look at but we sorta did anyway. Was awesome - like the sun before our very eyes :) And, the iron nail we heated went red hot and we were able to hammer it into a different shape. We also have our regular accidents, which is mainly what provides our constant entertainment in chem. Today for example, we were heating a test tube with HCl acid and a metal in it and the test tube had a stopper to trap any gases produced. We were meant to take off the stopper and test if there was gas present, but as I was telling Jess to hurry up and take the stopper off, and while she was complaining that she wasn't going to put her hand in a bunsen flame to take off the stopper, the stopper popped off loudly and flew halfway across the room. Haha, so funny. In yet another hilarious incident, we were meant to be heating magnesium or something in a crucible (a little bowl thingo with a lid) and it was meant to glow bright. Ours wasn't glowing bright, and after 20 minutes of heating it (unsuccessfully), we looked around and realised that we weren't meant to have a gauze mat on the tripod beneath the crucible and the pipe-clay triangle. This led to jess clumsily using the tongs to try to remove the unneccessary piece of equipment and almost dropping several things in the process whilst trying to conceal all this from our nazi teacher. Ahh good times. Then there was the time when I compared chem to Harry's potion class - what with the nazi teacher, the times when we totally screw up an experiment and try to hide what we're doing plus our hystericalness etc. Haha, can finally experience life like it is at Hogwarts, at least to some extent.

I think that's it. I had de ja vu while writing this blog, so I apologise if I've written this all before elsewhere.

*When I was young I loved Madeline. Hence, when the Madeline movie came out I bought it and watched it for what would have seemed a trillion times at the time, but was actually only a total of about 5 before wanting new entertainment. As a little kid does when they love someone/something, I imitated Madeline. In the movie, she befriended a chicken called Freddy (or rather, whom she named Freddy) and didn't want to eat him (or other chickens) after that. She eventually ate chicken at the end again I think, I'm not entirely sure though. Well, I didn't get as far as befriending any chickens but I did go on a chicken strike. I refused to eat chicken and when my mum tried to force feed me some of Freddy I said "If I say 'Freddy' three times, I'll throw up!" and I said 'Freddy' three times and ran to the sink to spew. I was really intouch with my psychic when I was young haha.

The wonder of possibility

2008-03-29T20:11:00.003+11:00

I hate when people say things and you don't know whether they are being serious or not. I hate when something someone said sticks in your mind and you overanalyse every possible meaning of what they said and get lost in the wonder of possibility. I hate when you can't ask them what they meant and if they were indeed being serious. I hate when people say things they don't totally mean because of one reason or another. More than anything, I hate not knowing.

***

Last night we had debating as usual on friday nights. The topic, if I recall correctly (it was very wordy and long), was "That models should have to satisfy the minimum healthy weight standards before being allowed to participate in the Australian Fashion Week". Because it was another away debate (at St. Catherine's) we were negative, which I much prefer because we don't have to make a model and it's easier to defend the status quo than propose change. Although I must say, saying models can be sickly thin isn't the easiest thing to defend, but we did a good job of it. I don't know if I have said before, but I'm 2nd speaker, and have been in previous debates also. The topic was easy enough - we understood it for a start, unlike the week before last. We developed some pretty good arguments and they developed some ok ones which our arguments shut down. Nevertheless, for some bizarre and unknown reason, we lost (again) which was quite disappointing considering we actually debated well and everyone thought we had it in the bag and should have won the debate. Till last night, we hadn't minded losing much at all just because during each debate we could already tell the other team was doing a way better job and so we didn't really need an adjudicator to tell us we had lost. We took it in our stride, tried our best and laughed at Hannah's funny moments, and our overall crapness if we misinterpreted the topic or so on. And we improved. But no, the one time we do well, understand the topic and present a strong case, we lose. Well we won once, but that doesn't count, if we didn't win that debate we would have been more outraged than this week. Last night, we minded. Soo cut. But oh well. Winning isn't everything. It's something, but not everything. We still had fun and laughed at Hannah's moments and tried not to 'cause the debating teacher was sending eye signals not to. Good times. It's funny, when I first got involved in debating through Macquarie Cup I was wishing I hadn't signed up. Now it's fun as and I reckon I could possibly miss doing it once it ends at the beginning of next term. It's already finished for this term but we are still training and then it starts up again in week 1 or 2 next term and we only have 2 debates next term because pigs could fly if we get into any of the knock off rounds. But it's ok, I've had fun and will look back on debating as not only a good new experience and a means of developing confidence but also remember some of the funniest personal jokes ever. *sigh* I think I wanna do UNI debating, would be cool. Although probably way more competitive and serious. And I like fun debating. Oh well, shall see when I get there :)

Different but same same

2008-03-21T23:47:00.003+11:00

Everyone that has ever walked across this earth is different. We all have different personalities, different flaws, different strengths, different character traits. Some of us may be selfish, others may have a low self esteem; some too easily trust, others not; some hold on, others let go. We all make different mistakes, experience different experiences and come from different perspectives. We all have different upbringings, different cultures. Yet the fact that we all have flaws and strengths and personalities and the fact that we all make mistakes and have experiences and perspectives and culture and upbringing makes us all the same. We are all human. So one may not understand what it's like to live another's life, may no understand their perspectives or culture, but our different paths and flaws and personalities and experiences and perspectives all teach us exactly the same thing - what it means to be human. It's just different ways of learning the same lessons. We all love and hate, and cry and laugh, and dance and mourn, so really beneath it all we are the same. Why won't humanity wake up and realise that?

"Stream of conciousness"

2008-03-13T16:25:00.003+11:00

For the past 3 weeks, we have over analysed each individual word of the the first Act of Macbeth in advanced English (and people wonder why I over analyse situations so much...). Today, in merely one 50 minute period, we skimmed through Acts 2 and 3, so that I barely know what happened in those 2 acts, let alone techniques and what not. And saying that the middle 2 acts of the plays aren't as relevant is absolute bull because everyone knows that's not true. Why the hell do I have to have such an illogical English teacher? *sigh* Not only is she illogical and obviously doesn't know how to manage time (I'm not being hypocritical - I'm a student, she's a teacher) she also sets lots of written responses for us to hand in and then never bothers collecting them and doesn't bother handing them back when she does collect some. She only handed back some comprehension responses today, mine not included. What teacher subjectively chooses half the classes responses, marks them and hands them back and (with no explanation) ignores the other half? I may aswell not bother doing them anymore since she doesn't even check you've handed it in and doesn't ever bother asking for them even if only 3 students hand them in and quite obviously the najority of the class hasn't. I still have a fairytale appropriation I wrote one late night last week for ext. english and she hasn't cared to collect it (I'm unfortunate enough to have the same teacher for advanced and ext). Ridiculous - there's no such thing as improvement without some form of criticism.

*****

Today I had my ext. 1 maths assesment, and it wasn't all so bad. I got stuck on about 3 questions and went in circles on one of them, but apart from that I think I did reasonably well, considering I didn't do much study. I was contemplating staying up till the early hours of the morning to do some past papers but was totally dead and couldn't care less at the time :)

*****

These past few weeks, in particular this one, have gone so fast, and I'm glad. Not too long ago I experience one loooong week and ever since then the weeks have been flashing before my eyes and I can hardly get a grip on time because, before I know it, we've come to the end of the week and it's the weekend again. After tomorrow, everything will become a whole lot less stressful, because the work may not ever decrease (because I don't do any of it) but it certainly won't increase and pile up either, because I have only 2 days of school next week and on each of those days I am sitting an assesment for a couple of periods and then leaving. So I won't have any additional h/w or assignments until the following Tuesday =) , by which time I would have hopefully attempted to complete some work that is currently piling up. Otherwise if not, at least I just won't have legal/chem assesments to study (or worry...) about.

*****

I need a new job *sigh*. Job hunting, fun. Can't wait to find a new job though.

*****

There's so many things I want to do in life. If I wrote a list I'm positive it would be more than 100 things to do before I die. But where is the time? When will I ever get the chance to do all these things? It's so frustrating to think that the majority of your life you go to school, go to uni, work and have kids all the while suffering stress and growing old and wrinkley without realising it, until you find one day that you're in a hospital bed or nursing home and you can't explain how you got there (perhaps because you have amnesia...). *sigh* I want adventure.

And speaking of wants, I was also recently thinking that I want guts. Or rather, I want the ability to express my guts. To say what I think and do what I want and not care what other people think, not care about the consequences. To focus on the now reasons for doing something, rather than over analysising the future implications of the not-yet-done action. Like in Macbeth. Where Lady Macbeth says "Come, thick night, / And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, / That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, / Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, / To cry, 'Hold, hold.'" To take risks and not worry about reputation because you only get one shot at life. To be not only young, but carefree, because the two go side by side, right? Since when do carefree spirits die at the age of 16 (or less)? It feels like just yesterday that I was in primary school. I often see people from my primary school on my bus or at the shops, and whether they be in my year or younger, most of them haven't changed and so it takes so little effort to transport myself back to that small little building in that small little room at the back where we sat and relive those moments. Just today when I hopped off the bus, I saw a young girl from my primary school (who was probably just starting kindy when I left) who has an older sister (who was in about year 3 or 4 when I left also). The younger one is now probably in year 4 and is exactly how I remember the older one to be, however I also see her around sometimes and she is in year 8 or 9. Where did all the time pass? That one sister should look exactly like her other half did 5 years ago? *sigh*

That is all.

Weighing up

2008-03-08T16:58:00.005+11:00

Just now I was contemplating two friends and wondering which one I was closer to. At first, I thought it was easy and knew for sure which I was closer to. But at second glance I began to think more closely. One of them I've "trusted" (in the simplest sense) more and opened up to more, however the other I talk to more and see more often and we are quite close. I can't really decide anymore. What defines closeness? Some people I'm close to because we see eachother everyday at school (and they're in my classes and what not), others because even if I didn't see them for an entire half year and it still wouldn't be the slightest bit awkward ringing them and chatting for hours and we'd still be as close as always. And sometimes I think the only reason I am close with the people I see everyday is simply because I see them everyday, which is logical enough in itself. But I think that with some of them, if I didn't see them for ages I wouldn't just be able to ring up and have a full on d'n'm with. And to think that the closest type of closeness is based on mutal trust would be silly, wouldn't it? I'm not exactly consistent in my reasons why I trust people and open up to them, there's a lot of peripheral thought that comes into it. So yes, now I'm confused, but that's enough thinking for today :)

Etre

2008-03-08T09:38:00.005+11:00

I long for a complete sense of emancipation. No pressure, no one on your back, no one asking you to do things, no one asking where you're going, no one wondering where you are, no places to be, no one needing to know where you've been and what you've done. No restrictions, no obligations, no responsiblities, no accountability, no rules, nothing. That's emancipation. The sense of freedom created by nothingness. As my Year 3 teacher used to say - we are human beings not human doings. To exist without any other trivial purpose. To be. And just to be.

Last night after debating (which by the way, we lost - against Tanggara again! Gahh, hate them. So frustrating, especially since it was about whaling and everyone knows whaling is bloody evil and cruel so we should have won) it was raining. I didn't have an umbrella and had to walk to the other side of the school and had to walk through non-sheltered areas to do so. I was completely drenched to the skin from head to toe within about 30 seconds of walking. Other than the white-shirt-see-through factor when wet (lucky no one was around) it was the best. I haven't felt rain like that in yonks and it wasnt the pissy spitting crap type of rain either, it was literally just bucketing down. And there was lightening :) I felt quite liberated. Rain has that effect on me. Not completely liberated (is such a state attainable?) ofcourse, but liberated enough. It was kind of rejuvenating - to experience that short time of emancipation and then hit earth again, and go back to the reality of restraints and obligations and accountability and rules and things to be done etc. *sigh* It was good while it lasted.

Holiday Reminiscing

2008-03-01T11:44:00.006+11:00

Today is the first Saturday since the holidays (if I remember correctly) that I haven't had work, and the first day since the holidays which I have slept in. It was awesome. But I woke up in a weird mood and I tried to pinpoint what mood I was actually in, and why so. I finally realised it felt like the holidays 'cause I wasn't working nor was I at school, and it felt like one of those days when you have nothing to do and really want to go out. *Sigh* I spose that's the good thing about always being busy with work and what not - when you do actually have a day off, it feels like a holiday.

It seriously feels incredibly like the holidays, I wanna go out all day (it's really sunny too) - except I have so much school work to do :(

Post Script. Haha, I ended up neglecting the work and going out :)

Feb. 29th - An extra day of life and what I did with it

2008-02-29T23:18:00.003+11:00

I'm standing in the queue for the bathroom at the beginning of lunch break. A girl infront of me goes upto her friend and exclaims "*insert name here* wrecked my hair! Oh my God. Like seriously, I'm seeing the Newington guys on the train today". Her friend replies "but your hair looks really nice!". "Really?! Wow thanks!" *admires self in mirror*.

Classic example of a weird year 8 or whatever year she was in. I know I was once in year 8, (it was in fact my best schooling year to date) but I also know I was never that weird.

***

Caught the bus home today. Twas interesting, seeing as I hardly ever catch the bus anymore. That is, I hardly ever catch the bus at peak social hour anymore. Sucks, but I spose the upside to that is that I don't fall over people when I'm letting someone go through to get off the bus, as I did today.

Embarrassing yet funny.

***

Had debating tonight. We already knew that the topic would concern international relations and that we were negative (as we are for all away debates). The debate was at St Brigidines, a Catholic girls school in St Ives. I was hoping for a topic about East Timor because that's what I had read up about and what our coach had prepared us for. The topic ended up being "that Jerusalem should be administered by the UN". I knew pretty much nothing about it, as I did with the first debate. But my 2 other team members were more in the know and so they debriefed me on the issue which was great. Also, as a result of writing many english essays the night before with no substanance whatsoever, I have attained a natural ability for bluffing my way through things. I can write for pages on absolutely nothing (the epitome of that being the 3 page extended response I wrote in a history exam and received a mark of 1/15 because I wrote about the wrong PM - opps). So really, speaking for a decent time on a subject I know nothing about comes down to writing absolute crap :) (I'm amazed, English really has taught me valuable life skills!).

We ended up winning but I think it was a more "in comparison thing" - they spoke for less than 3 minutes each and we spoke for over 5 (you're meant to speak for 6-8) and they didn't bring forward many arguments. But it was still good, first victory of the season yay! And despite the massive migranes I now get from the hour long prep, followed by the usually hour long debate, I am actually beginning to enjoy debating. I'm actually learning about things in the world which I didn't use to care about (i.e. I am becoming a nerd). It may be a tad stressful, but I like the new experience and the way it expands my mind and makes me think. I mean, I've gone into these first two debates thinking "crap, what am I gonna talk about - I know zilch!", but with the help of my awesome team, I actually do write a decent length speech and finish it (usually under the pressure of the last 15 minutes) and come out looking like I know more than I do. And so I learn from the things I say that an hour ago, I didn't know. And even though I thought I would do the exact same crap job as last time, I actually improved a tiny bit to my surprise. Accomplishing something you really believe you can't do is great.

:) Twas awesome.

Choices

2008-02-28T17:55:00.002+11:00

I recently made a choice, not out of impulse, but I didn't deliberate over it for ages either. It felt good to make the choice pretty quickly and feel so sure about it. However now I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to make another choice. But actually, it isn't really a choice at all - there's only one option. The thing is, I wish there were two, because I am finding it hard to accept that option as my choice, because it isn't my choice. I have no say in it at all, I've just been handed only one of the options to the decision and have to come to terms with that as "my own choice". It's completely unfair in my opinion. I shouldn't have to decide on a matter with only one real resolution, and then have people say to me "Well fair enough, it's your choice", or have to label the decision as my choice. It's as if this supposed "choice" is being forced upon me, ironically enough - as the term choice itself indicates free will and different options to consider.
*Sigh* It's exhausting.

Late Night Musing

2008-02-25T23:24:00.003+11:00

I hate that I'm one of those people that thinks of the right (the BEST) things (comebacks) to say once it's much too late to say it. Only after I've replayed the conversation 1000000 times in my mind, making small adjustments to the dialogue here and there, am I happy with the imaginery result of what I could have said and how the other person could have reacted. I can't think on my feet (don't ask me why I'm doing debating), so I have to actually prepare any important converstaions I'm going to have pre-hand. Otherwise I end up saying the wrong things. This way, I don't say anything wrong, I just don't get much right either. But I can't really prepare exactly what I'm going to say seeing as unfortunately, I actually can't easily guess what a person will say in response and therefore can't pan out the entire conversation how I'd like it to go. Instead I just know the general gist of what I'm going to say, and where I'm going to draw my boundaries in terms of how much I'm going to say, or how rude I can be. I think that's part of the reason I love msn - because, for the most part, conversations do pan out almost exactly how I'd like them to, because you have time to think and can easily buy yourself time so that you don't just say alright things, but the best things.

P.S. I realise this is like my 7th blog within the last two days, but anywho, I thought I'd reward myself for finishing my assignment so early! It's only 11.35 and I just realised I have a double free tomorrow morning =) Besides, I really can't help it anymore, I'm addicted, I like wording my thoughts.

Coffee puts my life in perspective

2008-02-25T21:32:00.002+11:00

Not really. But when I'm stressed I drink coffee. 'Cause it slows down the central nervous system which (in other words) means that each brain cell isn't screaming "STRESS!" so quickly to the next brain cell and hence the calming effect. And then I begin to think, well who gives a crap about school anway? Will I look back on this day in 50 years time and think "Wow, that really was the downfall of my life. I should have listened to all my stupid brain cells and teachers and social pressures screaming STRESS"? NO! Because school isn't as important as everyone makes it out to be, and I don't need to stress as much as I do, so I won't. And that's when I realise that my life is back in perspective all because of the wonderful depressant drug called caffeine =) Bless the person who discovered coffee beans, they're a genius. I should write that possibly dead person a letter one day to personally thank and congratulate them on making my life just that little bit more easy to endure. But for now I must get back to my assesment due tomorrow because slowly my life is falling out of perspective as the effect of the coffee wears off.

Random thought

2008-02-24T20:09:00.002+11:00

If there's one thing I've learnt in the past year it's that life never ever gets any easier than this.

Stuff?

2008-02-23T19:17:00.002+11:00

I think I have an addiction to blogging. Actually I know I do. It's really quite annoying, because sometimes (like now) I have several things I want to blog about, and until I've blogged about all those things, I feel highly unsatisfied. So to feel complete, I must blog about the things I want to blog about right now - although in actual fact I don't feel like blogging at all. It takes a lot of time and effort you know, because I never make sense the first time round which means I have to edit my blogs, usually more than once (due to my tendency to get carried away and add irrelevant crap for the sake of it - which then needs to also be proof read). So yes, here are the several things combined into one blog:

1. I think I get arthiritis in my feet and my fingers when it gets cold. Strange :S

2. Today, I rediscovered the joy of shopping. Not really. I just shopped properly for like the first time since the holidays (or christmas, seeing as I didn't buy much after that). I wasn't planning on shopping, but after work I looked at a few shops and ended up coming home with shoes and two tops :) Twas fun. But yes. My point being - I used to shop like heaps (at least once a week!) and now I hardly ever shop properly. Or I just window shop (which is clearly pointless and a waste of time - you may as well waste money as well). But perhaps I don't shop properly (as in, buy loads of things when I go shopping) is partly 'cause I spend my money more wisely? I'd like to think so. But I spose sometimes I just can't be stuffed looking at everything and trying things on etc. It's so time consuming and takes effort :) So yes, I quite enjoy only shopping occassionally. 'Cause it means when I do shop, I buy more and I'm bothered to try things on etc, because I'm not doing it every other odd day.

3. Previously mentioned in my last blog was my English teacher. I thought she deserved a whole blog to herself (or part of a blog anyway, not merely a mention) and hence am writing about her now. She is in love with every dead poet and classical literature writer that ever existed. She is how I always imagined Professor Trelawny (from Harry Potter) to look and act. She'd do a better job of Professor Trelawny than she does as my English teacher. For one thing, she dresses the character, for another she speaks like her too. (If you don't read HP and have no idea what I'm talking about, then it serves you right!) She has too many Keatsian moments. She's a total loony. She even had a stab at some divination. She started picking out people in class and asked them if life sometimes weighed them down 'cause they often seemed worried. Haha, funny moment. I don't really know how else to describe her, but if you know what Professor Trelawny is like and the different ways her students respond to her, than you'll no what I'm talking about. She's a clone.

Not a Keatsian Moment

2008-02-22T23:30:00.004+11:00

Tonight I had my first ISDA debate of the season. I'm not sure where to really start. A lot went on in my mind and in the surroundings etc. Well. I spose I should start at the beginning. It was an away game at St Aloysius College, which - might I add - must be one loaded school considering it is right next to the harbour bridge at Milson's Point and by consequence they probably saved money on building a swimming pool, because if need be that the cadets learn swimming or lifesaving (is that even an aspect of cadets?) they can just jump into the harbour. Seriously, it'd build their resilience :)

But anyway, me and another girl from my team got there like 2 hours too early, so we killed time by wandering around by the sea, admiring the scenery and all that crap. Although it was still quite hot at 5 pm, being near the sea meant the breeze was nice. I always love being near water. It makes me feel calm. No actually not calm - that would be a word used by my loony English teach who continually has keatsian moments. Penisive is more what I meant. So yes, we took in our surroundings and chatted about different schools and how I wish I could experience another high school other than the only one I know. It was definitely a good unwinding session and I love being in the city or near the water, especially at night. So combining those 3 elements was great :)

We then practically hiked up a hill back to the school (see another reason why it's a good place for cadets) to find the bathrooms. Well actually, the girl from my team convinced me there'd be bathrooms down near the bridge, which obviously there weren't. So inevitably we had to walk through the cadets practicing whatever they practice to find a bathroom, which wasn't too hard, as I had told her from the start.

So from there we pretty much met up with our coach and had bits and pieces of a pep talk thrown at us - which was actually a good thing, seeing as I needed as much advice as I could get. Then it was back to the waiting game: the girl from my team was reading the goss section of the neswpaper with articles about all the trashy hollywood stars like Britney Spears and whoever else is pregnant or divorcing, our coach was doing the crossword, and I attempted to absorb anything I could from the World and Opinion sections of the paper. It goes without saying, I absorbed zilch. However I did start randomly picking out names of politicians or whoever they were ('important people') and my coach would say who they were. But now I only remember that Mr Scimone is some guy got to do with the council of Wollongong (I think) and that he was involved in sex scadals of some sort. Righto.

So finally, our 1st speaker arrived (I was 2nd, and the other girl was 3rd) and after about 15 more minutes of waiting we were told the topic. The topic was "that we should provide compensation to the stolen generations" (not sure of the exact wording). I knew it'd be something to do with that 'cause of the apology. We were negative. As soon as we got into the prep room we pretty much had arguments with eachother about what to say etc. It was pretty funny. Althought not at the time I spose, because we were all stressed. The other 2 girls in my team didn't want to say outright that we shouldn't compensate them but instead wanted to say that we'd provide them other forms of compensation than finanicial compensation (such as psychological compensation etc). I thought this was gonna be too close to the affirmative team's argument and we (as the negative team) should just oppose it entirely. But seeing as we couldn't spend the entire prep hour debating and then have no actual debate when the actual debate came around, I went along since I was the minority. We ended up losing 'cause our argument was almost the same as the affirmative's. And probably 'cause I only spoke for 5 minutes rather than 6 :)

The chair person was funny. He had a pompous accent and was very posh, hehe. And he pronounced my last name "gurgua" or something of the likes. Ha. it made me laugh.

After the debate their was supper and I was told I was too nice and should be more aggressive, which I agree with - but by the teacher that hasn't even seen me debate? Hmm. But my coach also agreed and said he would toughen me up. Very doubtful. Then everyone went home. My parents had come to pick me up and after asking if they found the school alright I found out that they paid a taxi 7 bucks so he could sho them the way. Haha. My parents are hopeless with places they don't know.

The ride home was also very pensive. You know when you are just overcome by wonder and awe and your imagination goes off an a bizarre tangent with all these weird thoughts and philosophical theories? It was like one of those nights when I'm out of Sydney and the sky isn't as polluted and you can see soo many stars, so I just stare up at them forever because the longer you look the more you see and the more you become amazed. Except that I didn't admire the stars once. It was awesome, I hadn't experience that sort of state of mind in a fair while. I mean I have philosophical musings on the bus sometimes if I'm alone, but not like this. I was listening to the radio on my phone and had the window down and the night air was cool and whipping my face gently. The weather has to be precisely not cold, nor humid, hot, or rainy and there must be a nice breeze for me to experience this pensive state. Neautral weather I call it - beacuse no matter if you're wearing an overcoat and jeans, or shorts and a singlet, you feel just right. It also helps if it is night and I'm in a car, with the window down and there is some source of amazement. See why I don't experience this state too often? The basic requirements are so specific and so difficult to come across in the one lot. We were still in the city and near water. In fact, we were going across the harbour bridge - which I rarely ever do, especially with my parents seeing as they hate the city considering the traffic and one way streets. I'd probably hate it too if I was the one driving, but I don't drive so I don't care. I felt so emancipated and on impulse decided to take photos on my phone through the car window of the harbour bridge as we were driving through it. It's not like I've never seen it before, but it's so much more astounding when your surrounded by it, than when your just looking from a distance (as everything is) or on an ugly postcard or whatever. The photos were crappy quality, but it didn't really bother me, it felt surreal. As we drove further away from the water, I looked at all the big important looking buildings and wondered what happened within each, what made each so important. I thought about all the complex structure and issues of Syndey, of Australia, of the world. How everything fits together. I thought about the thousands of issues of the world and wondered how it still keeps on running. How there isn't some major breakdown - some sort of blackout that affects everyone, or everyone attacking eachother for no reason whatsoever. I spose I why the whole world didn't just stop doing what they do. I wanted to learn about the world and become informed. I felt empowered, I felt like I could make a difference. (I know, forgive me, I personally hate psychobabble myself). But I wanted to embrace debating and learn as much as I can from it. Not to feel intimidated by the challenge, but to triumph over it. I really can't explain it any further, I don't have the ability to word the experience I had. Like I said, it was just way cool and surreal.

I came home exhausted and started this blog, but then went to bed and so now I'm finsihing it off now :)

And that's about it.

Post Script

2008-02-20T19:28:00.002+11:00

We did win the 3rd round! Yay. So that makes 2 lost, 1 won :)

Change

2008-02-19T18:39:00.003+11:00

I haven't blogged in yonks I don't think, so here is another stream of thoughts that I've had over the last few weeks.

---------------------------------------------------

Yesterday was Monday. I thought it was Friday.
Today is Tuesday. I thought it was Saturday.
Tomorrow will be Wednesday. And I'll most likely think it's Sunday.

---------------------------------------------------

I went to Macquarie University today for the Macquarie School's Cup. It's a debating tournament with 3 knockout rounds and then a final between the 2 highest scoring teams. We were told the topics for each round, but not whether we were affirmative or negative. I personally was also told that we weren't allowed to pre-write speeches for both affirmative and negative for all 3 rounds and just read them out. I was told that you couldn't take any pre-written material into the prep room or into the debate itself. So although I researched and took my notes today, I didn't write out my speeches pre-hand because I thought I wouldn't be able to remember them and re-write them in the prep room anyway. This turned out to be false information. I could have written my speeches for each side for each debate at home and not have to stress today gahh.

These were the debates and the teams we versed:

Round 1 - Negative: That the federal government should take over health policy from the states (Tangara)
Round 2 - Affirmative: That Australia should only provide foreign aid to countries that implement environmentally sustainable policies (Tangara, but a different team)
Round 3 - Affirmative: That juries should have a say in the sentencing of criminal cases (De La Salle)

In round 1, Tangara had a stronger case, but their model contradicted with their case, it would have been a more appropriate model for us to use. We lost.
In round 2, I thought we had a stronger case because Tangara put words in our mouths when they were rebutting and went completely off topic. As a result, I hate Tangara. Everyone does. But they spoke better, and the adjudicator was a nong. We lost.
In round 3, we didn't have the best of cases, but we had a better case, and a more confident one than De La Salle. We don't know if we lost or won, because, being the final round, there was meant to be a sense of suspense as to whether your team has made the final. I assume we won though, 'cause the opposition had the unfair advantage of a UNI law student as 3rd speaker.

Today my routine was so far from ordinary it felt strange. I was at a UNI which seemed almost deserted, void of all life (although, maybe that's because everyone hasn't gone back to UNI yet). I caught the train from Epping on a line I've never been on before for more than 2 stops. I saw different people. It made me sorta miss the familiar, but crave the new, the different, the unknown. I can't wait 'til UNI, but whatever UNI I go to, I'll make sure it isn't void of all life. It was a tad depressing going out into the grounds and seeing too much concrete buildings and not enough people.

Might I add...

2008-02-16T20:35:00.007+11:00

...that customers who are:

a) impatient
b) rude
c) aggressive
d) arseholes
e) extremely fussy
f) all of the above

...should also go die in a hole?

Today I had a customer who had a hissy-fit over some chocolate hot cross buns. On the counter we had several bags of hot cross buns which were prepacked that morning. The lady wanted a bag of 6 buns but didn't want the edge ones with the hardish crust. Bit picky, but I complied, because I have to. I look at the racks of un-packaged hot cross and find only 6 cool chocolate ones. Only 3 of them weren't edge ones. Expecting her to understand, I explained to the lady that I could give her her 6 choc hot cross but that I'd have to put them in a paper bag as there aren't enough cool non-edge ones to package in a bag, but we had enough hot ones. "But I'd prefer them in a bag" she says. So I went on to kindly explain that if I put the hot non-edge ones in a plastic bag, they would ruin and become soggy. I offered her the option of taking the pre-packaged edge ones instead. You can't get you cake and eat it too, I thought. She then became very frustrated and, raising her voice, told me "Fine! Don't worry about it!". "I can put them in a bag if you really want", I reply. "Yes! that's what I want, I don't see why it's so hard!!"

Evidently the lady had a stick up her fat arse, and so as I bagged up her bloody hot cross buns and saw the steam condensing almost instantly, I smiled internally, thinking to myself that her buns will be soggy and digusting before she even arrives home. Serves her right! Mind you, I'm not really cruel - I was kind the entire time and tried to do what was in the best interest of her buns, but she refused ever so rudely, so she deserves it. Besides, raising her voice at me, made me look like I was at fault, right under the nose of my boss who I suspect already doesn't like me enough as it is. But had I bagged the buns while they were still hot without explaining the consequences, I would have copped it anyway.

I wish I could laugh at customers that demonstrate such idiocy and give them the sorta attitude they give me. I hate not being able to atleast say, "Farout, don't get your knickers in a knot, I'll put them in a friggen bag for you, but don't come running back tomorrow asking for a refund 'cause they were soggy" followed by a superficial smile accompanied with the usual (but sarcastic) "Have a nice day". That would be so damn satisfying, although so is the thought of her soggy buns. And considering what's at stake, I'll stick with the soggy buns. But I so want to get a job at maccas just so I can do that, they're always rude at fast food places, even when you're nice to them sometimes.

*Sigh*, that was a really good vent session :)

Things that should go die in a hole:

2008-02-15T18:27:00.002+11:00

- English
- "Society"
- Arrogant arseholes
- Social norms
- Things written centuries ago that no-one gives a crap about
- Apathetic arseholes
- Expectations
- Boxes
- Reputation
- Identity
- Requirements
- Teachers
- Underlying meanings that don't exist
- All things good and perfect
- Debating
- Macquarie Cup
- Manipulators

I think that covers it.

Love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage.

2008-02-02T20:43:00.000+11:00

Not too long ago, I blogged on my frustration at how life doesn't roll like a movie. Or, put in other words, my love-hate relationship with movies which have the most feel-good endings - simply because these endings are soo good yet usually highly unrealistic and never occur to the luckiest of us. However, today I realised that I don't need these petty movies as a pick-me-up, because, I can witness something better which doesn't let my hopes get high (and wild) only to drop them abruptly in the hands of reality. Today, I went to a wedding. It isn't the first wedding I've been to. Being Egyptian means that you have a huge family, and an even bigger community, to whose weddings your most often invited to. The bride pretty much transformed my imaginary dream dress into a real one. The wedding was all lovey-dovey as always and there was a happy ending. So feel-good endings don't only have to be limited to the big screen afterall. Man, I can't wait to get married.

My Timetable

2008-01-31T17:38:00.000+11:00

Today was my first day back at school. I received my timetable and had my very first lunchtime lesson. I have one class a week during lunch (ext. English), one class before school (Indonesian) and on Monday and Tuesday I have classes after school (ext. maths and photography). Ontop of that, I have co-curricular on Wednesday and Friday arvos, which leaves one afternoon free (Thursday - which will most definately be taken up by work, aswell as Saturday). That means I have no afternoons free, and hardly any weekend life. I have two free periods a week (both in period 6 so I can go home early) and I also have one study line (which amounts to 9 study periods per cycle - 3 in week A, 6 in week B). I've got reasonable teachers and good classes. And I think I've chosen the right subjects... which is a plus, but still, this year is gonna be soo busy :( Time management my arse...

A day in the life of me

2008-01-28T17:58:00.000+11:00

This is how my day went:

7.50 am - My parents wake me up almost an hour too early for work at 9 am.
9 am - 1.29 pm - Work my butt off.
1.30 pm - A highly irritating customer buys a croissant, and after being extremely picky about which croissant she wanted, she takes a bite and says its "much too dry". Too dry to eat, apparently.
1.31 pm - She claims she buys a croissant every day from our bakery [my arse she does, I've only seen her once - I recognised her more by her annoying attitude rather than her face. If she buys one every day, she's pretty stupid to keep on buying them even after she knows they're "dry"] and remarks that "the quality is always decreasing".
1.32 pm - I give the customer the complaint book with a superficial smile, and she fills out the complaint form whilst asking me if we have changed our bakers recently. She demands a refund. [Is this her daily routine? Buy a croissant, take a bite, claim it's too dry - even worse than yesterday's - and then ask for a refund? Why keep buying the damn things?!]
1.33 - 2.00 pm - Work my butt off.
2.00 pm - I'm pretty much told by my boss that I'm a lazy, slow, unmotivated employee, and that if I don't improve in my next shift, I'm getting the sack. Obviously, she used euphemism to phrase that (but I've just deconstructed the meaning to make it easier). Another girl is given the "Yeah, you too", but she doesn't get the full lecture that I got.
2.07 pm - I realise I forgot to check out the roster for the next week, so I go back down the escalator to check.
2.08 pm - I look at the roster and realise I only have one lonely shift all week, instead of about 3. Looks like I didn't interpret the euphemism incorrectly.
2.10 pm - Off to Kmart to buy a crappy pair of school shoes - the only style which isn't chunky and gothic. What ever happened to all the good Clarke shoes?
2.13 pm - I start to panic after realising that they don't have my size, and that there's only 3 days 'till school goes back.
2.14 pm - I ask the lady in Kmart to ring other stores to check if they have the shoes in my size
2.16 pm - The lady takes me to the front desk, whilst chatting about how work was - I smile and say "good" - and whether I get double time and a half - I smile and say "I'm not sure". I recognise her 'cause she's bought bread from me before. She seems relatively nice.
2.17 pm - At the front desk, Kmart Lady dials the number of another store and asks for Women's Footwear.
2.18pm - Kmart Lady proceeds to ask about the shoes and is put on hold
2.19 pm - Kmart Lady gives me the phone and tells me to answer when the lady on the other line comes back. She says if I need to ring other stores, I just turn the knob on the handset and it'll come up with what store it is. She tells me, "Just say 'Hi it's [whatever you name is] from Kmart Burwood' and then tell them what shoes your after". [What the hell. I don't even work at Kmart]
2.20 pm - Still no answer from the first store.
2.21 pm - I begin to enjoy the hold music: "I want it that way" - Backstreet Boys
2.22 pm - I stop enjoying the hold music as it is put on hold for ads.
2.23 pm - Still no answer. [Gosh, talk about poor customer service - from what I remember, I'm not the one who works at Kmart and who should be ringing other stores].
2.33 pm - [So frustrating]. The lady comes back and asks "Still no luck?", to which I reply "This is still the first store, they haven't answered". Kmart lady is deteriorating in my eyes.
2.34 pm - Kmart lady is shocked, takes the receiver from me and dials again. She gives it back to me and tells me to "keep trying"
2.34 - 3.01 pm - I "keep trying". In this slab of time, I have trouble using the damn phone of theirs [unfortunately, it wasn't as simple as turning the knob and seeing what store I was going to call - I don't know what she was talking about] and after some assistance from some other Kmart lady, I have a list of stores and their numbers infront of me. I try calling several stores. I must have accidently called up optus customer service for the first store, 'cause I couldn't understand a thing, and eventually give up. The remaining stores I call either don't answer, donn't have my size, or donn't understand what I want.
3.02 pm - I give up. Kmart sucks! I so sould have stolen their phone to teach them a lesson -there's no such thing as self-help at the customer service desk if I'm a bloody customer.
3.03 pm - I find the same friggen shoes at payless, for the same price! [Arghhh].
3.07 pm - I realise the size 7 is too big and the size 6, too small. Size 6 and 7 in mens, mind you. The Payless lady tells me they don't have my size in ladies, but they look exactly the same, and I'm desperate.
3.11pm - I finally decide to take the bigger size and just put another insole in them ontop of the one they come with. I buy the shoes, and an extra pair of insoles.
3.12 pm - I breathe a sigh of relief...
3.13 pm - ...before rushing off to Kmart again to buy a lamp so I can read my gripping novel ('The Pact' by Jodi Picoult) 'till the early hours of the morning without disturbing everyone with my room light on.
3.14 pm - The present - The rest is too boring for either of us to really care about [oh aside from the fact that I didn't need to buy insoles, I have a pair], and this has become much longer than what anyone will be bothered reading. Rest assured, I am safe at home venting in this blog about my hectic, annoying, blah day.

What else can I call this but 'Back-to-School'?

2008-01-25T21:11:00.000+11:00

My holiday walking home and school walking home routes are different. My holiday walk home/to the bus stop route is quicker than my school one, just because I'm always waking up late and rushing to be some place in next to no time. My school route however is uually taken on the way home and therefore I am in no rush and prefer to take the route that my friends follow.

As of these holidays, I've kept these routes strictly seperate - just to ensure that when I'm walking home during the holidays, I'm not reminded of the toturous prison they call school. Today however, I broke my own law and took my school route. It wasn't too bad, however, this (combined with the further mentioned Office Works trip) has caused the dawning that school is in less than a week. In less than a week, I shall be wearing squeaky clean shoes (desperately wanting to un-squeaky clean them, and wear them in), that ugly tartan thing of a uniform (which lies dusting ever so gradually in the back of my closet) and 'blouse'. Add the green regulation school bag and knee-length green socks, and you've got an upright turtle.

Despite my great distaste of going back to school, I quite enjoyed my annual shopping trip at Office Works. I bought:

- 1 x 2 pack of papermate whiteout pens
- 1 x 5 pack of spirax 96 pg small notebooks
- 1 x spirax A5 2-pocket 200 pg notebook (ext. 1 maths thory book)
- 1 x spirax A5 2-pocket 300 pg notebook (2 unit maths theory book)
- 1 x spirax A6 100 pg notebook
- 1 x 10 pack of papermate ballpoint pens (3 black, 2 red, and 5 useless blues)
- 5 x 5 tab coloured carboard dividers
- 5 x 70 pg lecture pads
- 1 x 21 gram UHU 'school stic'

Apart from not having any shoes, nor textbooks (which take a while to get delivered if out of stock - which they always are - and I haven't even ordered mine yet), I'm feeling rather prepared for school. Call me a nerd, but a stationary spree before the beginning of school always makes me slightly anticpiate the first couple of days. When all my books will be neat - no, immaculate - and all my pens working without a glitch. When I'll find out and complain about all the crappy teachers I'm stuck with for the next two years, and happily discuss the good teachers (if any) that I get for the next two years (unless they decide to have friggen baby). When I find out the summer goss, and see people I haven't seen for 7 weeks (or less...).

However, during my Office works shopping, I discovered this - the world is in need of a good organisational system for study notes! Argh, it's rather frustrating. Do I go with loose-leaf and binder folders, or sleeve folders? And if the latter, which kind - the easy removal sleeve folder with dividers, or the normal sleeve folder? How much will a sleeve folder carry in terms of study note pages anyway? A subjects worth? A topics worth? Half a topic, perhaps? Who knows. All I know is, I definetely don't need years 11 and 12. I'm gonna be one hell of a billionaire once I invent my own range of extraordinary study folders! :) ... It wouldn't be pointless to design a study folder range (for senior studies, I suppose) and become rich, if I'm not even gonna need the study folders asuming I don't finish school, is it?

Anyway, do excuse my nerdiness. Talk to me in less than 2 weeks, and I will be completely back to normal, I promise. Messy books, homework/assignments (how early do you get them?) piling up to the very last minute (i.e. 5 am the morning due) and the usual hating-school-and-couldn't-care-less attitude :)

The Dinner Ritual

2008-01-24T22:10:00.000+11:00

The dinner usual ritual goes like this - We eat, my parents make and drink their 7th tea for the day, I pack up the table (the dirty dishes and cutlery in the sink and most of the stuff back into the fridge or pantry) whilst Eva lazes about with a banana in her hand, and then (sometimes after I complain about her never helping clear the table and instead lazing about with a banana in her hand, which she then denies) she gladwraps anything that needs to be gladwrapped. For the last two nights however, the dinner ritual has gone like this - We eat, my parents make and drink their 7th tea for the day, I pack up the table (the dirty dishes and cutlery in the sink and most of the stuff back into the fridge and pantry), and then I gladwrap anything that needs to be gladwrapped. Heck, I even cooked tonight. There's no lazing about with bananas and no arguements about who helps out more at dinner most nights. I would have been practicising this new dinner ritual for over a week now, but usually I'm not that hungry come dinner time and just eat something straight out of the fridge. It's weird not having Eva here.

Where lies are white art

2008-01-23T21:30:00.000+11:00

The more convincing a lie is, the more you are deceived by your own lie. Lies starts to feel real and you say them with ease. You build up a wall around them, just for support. And you've almost forgotten the truth. Lying is an art too often - but sometimes - unavoidably practiced.

Sorry, crappy blog, but I don't know how to elaborate, nor can I be bothered. I'm not in a writing mood.

Why I like low budget movies

2008-01-22T16:11:00.000+11:00

I have to admit, I'm a sucker for 'low budget' movies. I really do appreciate them. I was watching one such movie last night with a friend. It was called "In the Land of Women" (starring Adam Brody *sigh*). I had been wanting to see this movie for a while, and although I knew it hadn't been released in all major cinemas (but rather a few povo ones in whoop whoop), I wasn't really expecting what I got. The trailer portrayed it to be your typical 'feel-good' Hollywood movie. So as the movie rolled - as the rather boring storyline unfolded, and as I realised all the feel-good parts were already in the trailer - I thought about what I like so much about low budget movies. They aren't flashy. They have a craptacular soundtrack, which is really just a dodgey piano piece played over and over again. They don't have much special effects, if any at all. The storyline usually drags, and is always a bit on the weird side. Each moment in the movie isn't perfect, melodramatic and all that necessary to the plot. When something sad or happy occurs, your body doesn't breathe that emotion, your lungs completely filled by it, as other movies may demand. Heck, even the seemingly feel-good parts in the trailer weren't all that feel-good in the movie, just 'cause of a lack of sensational music to create the mood in an otherwise bizarre situation. But as I witnessed all this, I realised, that's the very reason I like these movies. In my last blog I talked of how movies illustrate life at it's extreme. But low budget movies are quite the opposite. They're sometimes boring, sometimes lame, sometimes weird. They aren't perfect, they aren't over dramatic. They're full of random bits which, most people would agree, should be left out. They don't make you over emotional in any sense, and most of them actually don't end with the notion of "and they lived happily ever after, and the whole world was at peace again". They don't leave you thinking If only this were me. On the other hand, they definitely don't end with a teary goodbye within a romantic relationship. They're raw and more like life - each scene rolls without being cut and retaken, and the soundtrack can't be relied on to set a heart-warming (or wrenching) mood.

Random Rambles (including the Shambles)

2008-01-19T16:03:00.000+11:00

Yesterday, at work, my boss and I were discussing books and, after bringing up a certain author, she said she'd lend me a book of hers.
Today, after work, I was reading the blurb of the book my boss lent me whilst waiting for my ride, and consequently met a girl who also works in Westfield.
I love work life - not only do you make friends within work itself, but you chat to other strangers who you wouldnt normally talk to.

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LEAVE THE WHALES ALONE! There's no point killing them all for 'research purposes' if there's gonna be none left to bloody understand anyway!!!!! Arghh!!!

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Last night, bored as I was, I decided to watch television. I don't watch TV much, aside from Grey's Anatomy and Heroes - but since the Grey's Anatomy repeats are being replaced by the stupid tennis, and since Heroes isn't on at the moment, I haven't really watched TV in a while. I discovered this sort of melodramtic thriller movie on ABC called Like Father, Like Son which was pretty good surprisingly. Whilst flicking through the channels I also came across a funny sort of talk show on this random channel we have called TVS. I never watch TVS, mainly because everything on it is crap, but, from what I watched, this show actually seemed good. It's sort of like The Chasers but not and it's called The Shambles. You should check it out, and if you don't have TVS then you should get it (...or rather just download the podcasts for free on itunes).
Tonight, I think I'll watch some more TV.

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I've always had this theory - Australia is such a wannabe. First it was Britain, now it's America. I wasn't exactly around for Australia's wannabe Britain days, so I shall speak of only what I see today. Firstly, Australia's ex-prime minister (John Howard that is) is like best friends with George Bush, and in my opinion (but hey, I'm sure many before me have thought the same, but since I'm not so up-to-date with politics and political opinions - and since this is my blog - I shall call it "my opinion") Howard's always been a bit of a sheep towards Bush - always agreeing with him and almost wanting to be him. So when the prime-minister (ex, whatever, Kevin Rudd has done nothing yet, he may aswell sit on the sideline watching) of Australia wants to be like the president of America, and is (was) running the country like he thinks Bush would see fit, Australia is already well on it's way to being a "copycat". Aside from this however, Australia longs for a Hollywood of it's own - to have the celebrity status America has always been so reknowned for. Australia's ARIA awards aren't but a poor imtitation of America's various red carpet events, including the Oscars, Golden Globes, Grammys and Emmys. On top of this, pretty much every American celebrity says they love Australia - no doubt 'cause it's an english-speaking, wealthy, less chaotic version of what they're used to. So whenever they need a little peace of mind, they head on down under to shop and go to the beach. Gosh, what a change. Funny enough, Australia is like the 2nd most obese country, beaten only by *surprise, surprise* America! In all but this (http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/its-easier-to-move-up-down-under/2008/01/18/1200620210420.html) aspect, Australia still has a fair way to go before it reaches it's American dream. Nevertheless, for me, that's plenty more evidence than I need to say that Australia is morphing into the next America, but if you're still unconvinced, dig deeper, compare the two nations even more - and surely then you'll be able to see the light. If not, well then you are a dumb-arse (just kidding...)

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised

2008-01-17T19:52:00.000+11:00

I wish my life were a book or a movie. Where life and death and everything inbetween occurs between a front and back cover, or in the space of merely a couple of hours, previews included. I wish it was full of adventure. Full of unrealistic situations and coincidences which so perfectly fit together. But more than that, one longs for closure. For every bad circumstance to be resolved, and for a happy ending to take place. I wish my life was a book in which the main character is cruising along at their own pace - only to encounter a few complications which grow to their full potential before the anti-climax hurries along at full speed, followed by the heart-warming conclusion. And that's the entire story of their life. If only life was like every good and perfect movie. Where good defeats evil. Where everyone around you knows the script off-by-heart, and so you receive perfect reactions from everyone, all the time, and consequently, everything turns out right. Where everythings so bloody predictable that there's no surprises. Where something good always results from something bad. Where there's only four large pieces to the puzzle which fit perfectly together, rather than 4000 - some missing. I wish life could change in a matter or hours or pages.

But life's not a book nor a movie. There's no closure, no perfect ending, no living-to-the-max, no unrealistic situations involving handsome strangers (or rather, there could be, only you see them once and that's the end of it. There's definitely no phone calls being recieved or made the following day). The anti-climax and ending stroll along much too slowly and usually never even arrive, or turn out close to heart-warming. Good doesn't always defeat evil, and quite obviously, no-one's been given the same script as you. Nothing's predictable. Good doesn't come out of bad like a rabbit comes out of a hat in a silly magic trick. Life cannot and will not change within a matter of hours. And the sooner we all realise and accept this, the sooner it gets better. You can't find diamonds if you're searching for them, but once you turn off the light, they begin to sparkle.

This is a story of a girl

2008-01-08T23:28:00.000+11:00

A little girl sat at the water's edge on a rock platform, her feet perched ontop of a smaller rock beneath her. Rock pools surrounded her and the swash of the waves was less than a stride away from where she sat, on the occurence of a big wave; otherwise no more than three strides away when the waves weren't so strong. The little girl would watch the sea closely so as to be prepared for the strong waves. Each time a strong wave came in, she'd lift her closest foot from the rock it was perched on and stretch it out to try to feel the water, if only through her toes. She loved the feeling of the water running over her skin and needed only for it to glide over her feet for her to feel as if it were surrounding her entire body, as it would if she swam. She could hear the water, she could see the water, she could even smell the water - however it wasn't enough. She wanted to feel the water. But the strong waves barely ever came, and even when they did, she couldn't stretch her feet far enough to reach the water's edge. As close as it was, it was out of reach. And all too soon the swash would turn into backwash, running quickly away from her to be swallowed up by the sea before the clouds could even echo her small voice screaming Come back! Please...come back...

Naivety - giant 'roos and little kids, "open sesame", and the fat man in red and white suit on the roof

2007-12-23T21:09:00.000+11:00

Yesterday, as I caught the bus home from work, I saw two guys on stilts. They were dressed as giant kangaroos with santa hats on and were jumping along the street. Opposite me on the bus sat a man and (presumably) his young daughter. As bad as I am with guessing ages of kids, I think I'd be pretty safe in saying she was about 5 years olds. She sat by the window, while her father sat in the aisle seat closest to me, and as we passed the giant kangaroos (who looked more the sort of men who would fit right into a bikie gang), the father must have said something along the lines of "Look! Kangaroos!" because the little girl replied "They aren't real kangaroos!". Her father tried to convince her that they were real kangaroos, but, as young as she was (or looked) she stood her ground and said "They weren't real! I saw their faces!". Man, little kids are hilarious.

If only I was as logically minded as that little girl. I mean, I don't think, had I been in her situation 10 years ago, I would have realised they weren't real if my dad was convincing me they were real for a laugh. I say all this totally from experience, having been tricked numerous times. Once my cousins tricked me into thinking that the words open sesame and close sesame controlled the opening and closing of the garage, when they were actually pressing a button on the wall right next to me. I was between the age of 5 and 10 I believe, mind you, and if you saw a full demonstration of how it works and saw the garage door open and close at the commands of your lips, you'd be pretty conned as well.

When I was young, I had a relatively intense fear of Santa Clause, or a love-hate relationship, be it as you wish. It went a little like this - I would really want to go join the other kids in the mall (sorry, I mean "shopping centre". Christmas time turns you American and besides, mall is so much easier to say) and wait in the long queue to receive a small gift bag from Santa, however I was much too scared to sit on his lap and endure an entire photo being taken just for the gift bag (as enticing as it seemed). So everytime I went to the mall with my family (as you do when you are young and have no friends nor independence) they would all tease me as we approached Santa's throne 'cause they knew he freaked me out. My dad would tell me to go see Santa and get a present from him, and sometimes even take my hand and try to drag me in Santa's direction just to freak me out a little more. As much as I wanted that gift, I'd avoid Santa's eye contact (otherwise he'd give me a freaky wave, in which case I would most definately not return it and probably runaway), grab my mother's hand and drag her straight past him so I don't have to be tormented by the big fat man in the red suit, or by all the gleeful kids receiving their gifts from him. Not only was I scared of the real deal (or as close to the real deal as you can get - I'm sure Kris Kringle, if that's how you actually spell his name, wouldn't be very scary), but I was almost just as scared of the plastic santa that used to hang behind a door in our house during the festive season. I'm not quite sure why I was always so scared of Santa, but I think it must have something to do with my current fear of being abducted and so on. It must have been some sort of subconcious pre-setting to this fear, as if I have always (subconciously) been scared of unknown men that may hid me in a sack amongst all their goodies and take me away. Anyway, whatever it was, I'm glad I only sat on Santa's lap a couple of times before I developed my fear. If you ask me, he's always been a pretty shifty figure, and as confidently as I could approach, greet and sit on the arm of his chair today, I certainly wouldn't sit on his lap. Anyway (!), as much as you wouldn't think so, after all this rambling, this Santa story actually relates back to the topic of this blog. I was once also completely fooled (not to mention totally freaked out) by my sister and next door neighbour into believing that Santa was on our roof. I could have just said the point from the start, but I thought I'd fill you in from the start, since it is Christmas in two days. It's more fun this way :)

Anyway, to anyone and everyone who reads this blog, have a good one, 'cause I'm going away until new years, and probably won't blog until then, unless something interesting occurs during the next two days. I highly doubt that.

Reflections on my last blog

2007-12-19T00:29:00.000+11:00

The weird thing is, at the same time as ignoring the warning signs and not really caring, I feel like I'm sometimes too scared to take the risk, to plunge into the unknown. Hmm.

Grey's Anatomy Episode #45: Even jols can provoke intellectual thought

2007-12-17T23:14:00.000+11:00

Life is full of risks, some of which are blatantly plastered with enter-at-your-own-risk-warnings all over them, others not. Cigarette smokers are much too familiar (and therefore complacent) with the large block letters which read "SMOKING KILLS" on their cigarette packets (unless they roll their own...), whilst the much smaller block letters "Contains phenylalanine. Excess consumption may have a laxative effect" is also commonly ignored by those who love gum or jols. Those who watch Grey's Anatomy, or rather, are lucky enough to wind up in OR's with melodramatic - but quite cute looking - neurosurgeons and interns, will know that there is always some degree of risk (even if it's small) to any surgery. Unfortunately, one of the only things Grey's Anatomy has in common with real life is the fact that sometimes the risks of not going ahead with the surgery, metaphorically speaking, are equal to (or sometimes worse than) those of the surgery itself. And sometimes, the risks are unknown until you take the plunge down a (more often than not) no-returns deep well. But, if you think about it, it's often better not to be warned of the risks prior to taking the plunge and have that familiar voice singing "I told you so" in your head (or occassionally out loud) afterwards. 'Cause even when we do see the warning signs long before hand, we always ignore them. And on the rare occasion when you don't ignore the seemingly harmless block letters on the back of your second packet of extra for the day and are reminded "Excess consumption may have a laxative effect", the risks are never certain. So as I chuck out my empty packet of jols after only a day (and after having written this well refined blog, unlike my last) I really couldn't care less about what the side of the packet says - never have and never will. Not unless I stumble down that deep no-returns well. Until then, I'm off to start another packet of jols.

Uncut

2007-12-15T23:12:00.000+11:00

I still remember the first time I was allowed out alone (without the supervision of my parents, that is). It must have been when I was in Year 4, I think. About 7 years ago, while our house was still being built and we were renting. A friend came over and, at the time, we were living half a block away from a park. After braiding parts of our hair and putting colourful beads in with one of those strange hair braiding/beading machines that every girl in school owned and thought was the next big thing after barbies, furbies, tazos, and tamagotchis, I pleaded with my parents to let us go to the park without them coming and, fairly leniently, they said yes. Overcome by a sense of independence, maturity and emancipation, we skipped the whole 2 minutes to the park and enjoyed about 15 minutes alone until my sister came walking towards us after being sent to check on us.

I'm not sure what the moral of the story is. I guess it's just one of the many stories that doesn't have a moral. One of the many stories that has disjointed sentences and abrupt endings. Oh well. I'm tired (after working 10 hours today) and not bothered to fix it up. I just wanted to get this down because I suddenly remembered it today, after driving past the park (which, mind you, I drive past every day almost). So I will leave this memory raw for the moment, and perhaps forever - some things are better left scrappy rather than over analysed.

Rain, rain go away, Come again another day

2007-12-07T18:00:00.000+11:00

The other day when I was walking home through the rain, thunder and lightening, I was quite paranoid (as I am) about getting struck by lightening, or abducted and not being heard over the raging thunder. I walked briskly - umbrella held close to my body, not wanting to be drenched by the end of my walk - occassionally glancing over my shoulder whilst thinking to myself "I like the rain" (by "rain" I meant the whole lot - thunder and lightening) over and over again.

Today when I was walking home through the rain, thunder and lightening, I held my umbrella loosely and had a sudden urge to not use it at all and dance in the rain. So I did just that. Well, I didn't dance. But I took down my umbrella, held it my side and walked on the road. It was very pleasant and refreshing I must say. It made me feel free. The thunder and lightening didn't freak me out much, and I was even wishing the rain would get heavier towards the end of my walk home. As it is, when you actually absurdly want the rain to get heavier, it doesn't - and when you don't want it to get any heavier so you can run to the car without your straightened hair going frizzy (or any frizzier than it already is), it does. Disappointed by this rule of life, I didn't want to go inside when I got home, I just wanted to sit on the curb of my street and listen to music or keep walking, perhaps through a nearby park. But I accepted the fact that I would have to go inside at some point and so I left the calm atmosphere that the rain created and became dry again.

Paradoxes are confusing.

Blast to the present?

2007-12-01T21:33:00.000+11:00

The concept of time is quite bizarre. When I think about it too much, it confuses the hell out of me. I cannot grasp the term "forever", nor can I understand why it is that if you could go back in time, you wouldn't be able to change anything. Let's start with "forever". Forever seems so openended. So long, so never ending. It doesn't have any closure. If you unravel a ball of wool, you will eventually stop unravelling. Or if you counted every single person in the world, there'd be an end to your counting 'cause you'd eventually die (or the world would blow up from global warming, who knows). I wonder. If you travelled out into space, where does it end? Would there be some sort of cliff - a void that you can't enter perhaps - that forces you to turn back, or is it just never ending. I am trying to picture the shape of space (if you were to draw it on a single piece of paper) and I cannot create it's shape. Hmm. Anyway, I'm confused enough about time to be worrying about space.

OK - to my second difficulty. Why is it that if you were able to go back in time, you wouldn't be able to change anything? I mean, it's impossible to go back in time anyway, so how can you even start theorising about what you would and wouldn't be able to do if you could? If it were possible to go back in time, then I'd say it'd be just as easy to change something. Unless we can already "go back in time" so to speak. Revisiting places and situations through our memories. Then I suppose you can't change anything. Except your perspectives on the place/situation. Well, technically you could change things, you could alter things in your memory. But I think the theory refers to going back in time as a more literal sort of thing.

Another thing that confuses me about time is simply (or not so simply) how it works. I mean, right now I can think "In no time at all it'll be holidays and I'll be bludging". But then I still have the whole of this week to live through. And yet, when holidays come, I'll be thinking "Wow, it felt like only a minute ago that I was dreaming about the holidays". I don't get that. I don't get it, especially when it's on a much larger scale of time. I don't get how it is that 5 years ago, when I was 11, I would have been stumped when asked the question "What will you be doing in 5 years time?". But I would have thought that one day I would be 16. And now here I am. I have lived through those 5 years. But where did the time go? I remember the time between now and then, but at the same time, it feels like I clicked my fingers and here I am in the future, 16 years old. That's a scary thought. Time is a scary thought. 'Cause sometimes I think of the things I may encounter in the future like going to uni, working full time, getting married ecetera. And then I think how weird it'll be when I am actually in uni or working full time or married or whatever and I think how I'll look back to times like these when I thought about the future and wonder where the time went. Wonder how suddenly I had went from a 16 year school girl to a 26 year old full time professional. And it feels like I could just click my fingers and I'll be in an office typing away on some high-tech computer (which reminds me, I got a new phone but it feels like just yesterday when I was playing snake on my brick phone 4-5 years ago, the first phone I had) in office clothes instead of here at home in my pjs. Bizarre. I don't get it. It seems like someone is holding the remote control of my life but they decided to make my head spin in circles by pressing play-stop-rewind-play-fastforward-pause-play-rewind ecetera. *Sigh*

Pathways

2007-11-29T22:31:00.000+11:00

In life there are too many options for each decision. Yet, often, not one option will appeal to me. Is that just because there are too many options? Or too little? :S

When tomorrow comes

2007-11-27T20:44:00.000+11:00

Today was a good day.
Today I found out that the new season of Grey's Anatomy starts tonight - and that it's going to be on twice a week!
Today I got a call back from the lady that gave me a job interview and got asked to come in for a trial shift.
Today I actually did some work in maths and science for the first time...all semester? (Not that I should really be feeling any sense of accomplishment about that, it's pointless work afterall...I don't see why I start trying now anyway)
Today is nearly over.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like.

Reactants ---> Products

2007-11-22T22:14:00.001+11:00

I have 'found the answer' to this one problem several times. But that's exactly the problem. Each potential answer doesn't end up being an answer at all. Everytime I think I've found the answer, I hesitate for a moment (or more) and then decide to risk it, only to later find out that the answer was no better than it's three predecessors.

The thing is, I have once again 'found the answer'. After looking back at the other times I thought I had found the answer, I wonder if this will end the same way the other answers did - with disappointment - or whether I will truly be able to say that I've found the solution and solved the problem.

Do I take the risk and test the solution? In the end, I think I will. Because although I don't know that it'll lead me down a better path than any of the other solutions, I think that having had experienced the results of those bad decisions (which once appeared to be solutions), I am more able to discern what really could be an answer and what isn't. I therefore believe that it will be an answer. After all, there is never 'the' answer to any problem, there's serveral.

A need for greed

2007-11-20T18:25:00.000+11:00

I had a job interview today. I prepared, 'cause I was freaked out I wouldn't know what to say, and I was encouraged by life long learning day (as lame as that may be...), so yes. The lady was pretty nice however there were a few questions I wasn't counting on, and as one of my weaknesses is "not being able to think on my feet", I had a little trouble there. For example she made me do this thing where I had to sell her pen to her. Twas strange, and a little scary, but she said I did well. I need a job. I need something to keep me busy. And I need money :) It's not my ideal job, but meh, stick it out for a few months and then I can put it on my resume and get a better job much quicker.

On another note, usually I think little kids are crazy and selfish when they have a fit 'cause they want something and they want it now. But I think I can empathise. Obviously I am past the stage where I scream for toys in the shopping centre. But not in a materialistic sense. Just wanting something and not being able to wait much longer. I dunno, it sounds crazy, but whatever.

Musings of the day

2007-11-19T19:01:00.000+11:00

A light mauve wooden shed - a darker shade outlines the windows and the door.
The echo of footsteps within.
A hot water tank behind the door which is held open by a couple of mauve roof tiles.
A blue bucket lies on a shelf, as does an abandoned pipe.
A few more roof tiles, this time terracotta.
A laundry sink, with a rusted tap.

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Today, the head of senior school stood infront of the assembly to make some quite pathetic conclusions to the service, as per usual. Usually, she opts for the environment, or the community. Those are just two of her favourites, and combined with a story from her long ago childhood, she could talk for hours. I assume she believes she can relate to us if she speaks of her childhood with us. Today she approached a new matter in concluding the assembly. She, in her old age, has become aware that vandalism is occuring in the community, and that it has unfortunately, somehow, crept it's way into the school grounds. Apparently people have 'slashed' some of the chairs and evidently, that means people are carrying sharp objects with them (scissors?). It was her closing remarks however that left most laughing - She admitted that whoever vandalises must have issues, and urged those who "desire" to destory things to come and see her as she is wanting to help them solve their problems before they turn into a full bred criminal.

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I want to get away. I want to move countries. Go somewhere where I know no-one. Be whoever the hell I want to be. And not be concerned about people's expectations and standards. Not be who others want me to be. Create my own life. That's what I feel like doing.

LLL

2007-11-15T17:26:00.000+11:00

We had Life Long Learning today. It consisted of 3 seminars which were Financial planning (budgeting) and Interview techniques, Role models (ex-students and what they are doing), and Study tips. Unlike some, I found most of it quite helpful, except for the Role models segment, because it just made me stress about not knowing what I want to do in UNI. The man who held the Financial planning and Interview techniques session was extremely boisterous. His shiny shoes squeaked against the wooden floorboards when he moved, and boy did he move around a lot. He used his hands a bit too much I'd say. It was funny - he was wearing a microphone on his tie and it was on the left side of his chest. During the seminar, there was a beating sound coming form the speakers and he stopped and listened to it and said he could start rapping to it. I wondered what the sound was, and one of my friends told me it was his heart beating. pretty amazing hey. Although, makes me wonder why his heart wasn't beating for the first half of the seminar.

The man was quite humerous in fact. He told us a few funny stories, and at one point I was crying from laughter. Twas funny.

The ex-students session made me think I wanna do something related to medecine, but not medecine (or pharmacy or dentistry for that matter). I don't want to chop up dead people in UNI. Eww. The reason I got this idea was because one of the girls that had finished the HSC this year wants to do something thats related to medecine and physics, 'cause she isn't keen on the idea of chopping up people either. Although I'd prefer not to do anything physics related :) I more want to be a specialist. But that requires stupid medecine. I really don't see why I have to chop up body parts if I'm not going to be a surgeon. Arghh.

The study techniques were very helpful, but as most things, won't do anything unless you apply them yourself. I doubt I will. But I'm atleast motivated to get my act together next year and really try to try. I have to learn to time manage before year 12. If thats the only thing I learn next year, then so be it.

Anyway, all in all, a pretty average day. Nearly the weekend :D

Daily Observations

2007-11-14T18:20:00.000+11:00

Today, when I was at the station, a guy came and sat near me. He looked about 22 I'd say. For the sake of this blog, let's just call him Steve. As he walked past I noticed he had a backpack with him, but when he sat down, he was a little behind my line of sight, so I couldn't see what he was doing exactly. I heard him whispering Shut up, sit down, just stay there a few times and had no idea who he was talking to, because at first glance, he appeared to be alone. I assumed Steve was perhaps on drugs or was just a bit psycho. However, I chanced a quick glance at him and saw, to my surprise a small, extremely cute, white fluffy dog, which I think was a maltese terrior minus the yapping. The dog was sitting in Steve's lap, hardly moving, but every time it made a slight fidget (not even an attempt to escape from his lap - I would have) he would swear at it and tell it to shut up (which was funny 'cause I didn't once hear it make a noise) and be still. I hadn't really thought of how the dog suddenly appeared from nowhere (I had assumed he was carrying it and it camoflagued with his white top and I just hadn't seen it) until he swore again and threatened the dog. Shut up or I'll put you back in the bag, I swear. (Not that the dog would understand that since he was whispering and all - he could have been saying how good a dog he was, for all the poo thing knew) I couldn't believe he was carrying it in that bag. Isn't there laws against that? Surely that classifies as animal cruelty. I mean the backpack didn't even have air holes in it or anything - the poor thing could have suffocated in there if left for too long. Not like it'd make a difference, the poor thing will probably die of lung cancer 'cause Steve stunk like a smoker and I'm pretty sure he was smoking at the time, with the dog in his lap. The train was about to come in a couple of minutes so I got up off the bench I was sitting on, and some old lady took my place next to Steve after a bit. As the train was about to come, Steve opened his backpack and placed the dog inside and zipped it fully, all while the old lady was watching him (and while I, from afar, was also watching him, obviously). The lady spoke to him and said Will it be right in there? Has it got enough air? (or something along those lines, I don't pay that much attention to detail) and to my surprise he answered in a quite friendly manner explaining that the dog will be fine and it has enough air (which I highly doubted). After only a few seconds the poor thing started to cry and he opened the zipper a bit so the dog could stick it's head out. It was terribly cute. Anyway, Steve boarded the train on the same carriage as me, and I got off and that was about the end of it. Aside from his friendly manners, I was also surprised by the contradictingly affectionate way he hugged and held the dog and the way he scratched it behind the ears. It was cute. I s'pose a dog really is a man's best friend (apart from the whole cruelty thing).

"Pens Down"

2007-11-13T18:37:00.000+11:00

Well SC is over. Technically, it's not, 'cause we still have the "computing skills test" tomorrow, but it is the easiest thing ever. I wouldn't give if I failed it anyway. And we only need to come in for one hour tomorrow :) So I think I may do some job hunting *sigh* Gay, really need to find a job.

I'm so glad I never have to hear that stupid lady's voice again. She was so annoying.
"Supervisors, please stop collecting"
[3 seconds later]
"OK, you can start collecting again"
Arggh. Boy did she like the sound of her own voice in that microphone, funny, 'cause everyone else hated it. She liked having the power to control us, you could tell.
Weirdo.

Meh, anyway. Maths was great, wasn't too bad at all, although I didn't check much at the end, and just before our time was up, I checked something and realised it was wrong, but didn't have time to change it :( Oh well. Only a multiple choice question, probably won't make a difference.

History and Geography could have been worse, but I can't say I was too thrilled with them either. Had to fudge my way through a lot of it, but as with the Science paper, I made up stuff that sounds semi-believable :) I knew the Whitlam Dismissal back to front though, which was awesome - I didn't have enough room to write so I ended up writing on the blank page at the back, which I think you're meant to keep blank. Opps. I knew I should have wrote small. I hope they don't penalise me. Or worse, I hope they don't ignore it and not mark it at all! I think I may have wrote on a blank page for Geography also. It's not my fault they don't give me enough room to write as much crap as I can possibly think of. If only there was a blank page at the back of the interview in English, I would have definitely used that too! I have a bit of a habit with writing in undesignated writing spaces. I often fill up the margins if I've run out of room :) Hmm, I think I may have done that for a couple of question today too. Hehe, I still remember my History teacher saying my paper was a mess and she could hardly read it 'cause I had written in the margins. Sheesh.

Wasn't stressed at all, but glad it's all over anyway. The rest of this week's a bludge - tomorrow is the computing test for 1 hour, thursday we don't do work 'cause it's some life long learning crap, and friday we only go to school for half a day :D Then only 3 weeks of school left, which is rollover anyway, so I can finally get an idea whether I've chosen the wrong subjects or not.

Yep, that's about it.

OWLS cough I mean, SC

2007-11-12T19:24:00.000+11:00

I had my first School Certificate exams today. English and Science. They were easy, and I had quite a bit of time to spare in each. In English, we had to write an imaginative piece that referred to 'laughter' in some way, and I wrote about this girl who was always being laughed at and kept on moving schools and at the end she decided the only solution was to be the one laughing, not the one laughed at :) It was pretty damn awesome, if I may say so myself. I screwed up the interview though, they so didn't give us enough room to write! I had to write an interview about this girl's entire life story (from growing up on a farm, to going on a gap year, to studying marine biology and then finally how she became an animal activist and started a new group in her community to save wildlife) in one tiny page! Ok, so I should have simplified her life a little, but it was a brilliant life story and besides, by the time I realised I should have cut out the crap, it was already too late. So I ended up saying what the whole interview was meant to be about in the last 2 lines. Opps :)

Science was alright, better than I expected, but then again that's what I thought of the trials :S Had to make up a bit of crap along the way, but it sounded semi-believable, so all is good :)

I haven't studied at all for the SC. I really don't care. It was kinda weird though. Walking into the exam room and realising the people that weren't in uniforms weren't teachers we knew, but rather Board of Studies exam supervisors. I had forgotten all about that, or maybe I never really knew? I think I only thought they come in for HSC exams. The lady that used the microphone to tell us the instructions and say "Pens down" had an annoying voice. The whole thing reminded me of Hogwarts and the OWLS examinations, because I remember how they had people from the Ministry of Magic or something come in to supervise those exams. I know this sounds crazy, but it kinda felt like I was at Hogwarts. *Sigh* I love those moments, it's my dream come true - to live in the wizarding world and go to Hogwarts and all. But yeah, other than that brief magical daydream, my day wasn't out of the ordinary :)

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy - Down in my heart - Where? - Down in my heart to stay

2007-11-04T17:40:00.000+11:00

I am going to type out a reflection that I read from a devotions book last night, which I hadn't really touched since I bought it from Koorong months ago. The book is called "Peace for a Woman's Soul". I'm not entirely sure why, because it doesn't seem to specifically address women. I'm sure a guy could read it and get just as much out of it. I recommend you do read it (even if you are a guy =]), 'cause so far, the few pages of it I have read have been great.

Anyway, here it is:

Joy is not only an emotion to be desired, it is also a command to be obeyed. Joy is - to some degree - a choice. How can this be? Are you to simply ignore your circumstances and live outside of reality? No, but a life of joy can be learned - and suffering is most often the teacher.

The Scriptures clearly point out the path toward a life of joy: accept your circumstances and be thankful in them, choose not to worry, fix your eyes on jesus rather than on your situation - follow his example in suffering - and put your hope in future glory. It is through the joy and peace exhibited in suffering that God is most visible in your life. When you live a life of joy - regardless of your circumstances - others will see Jesus in you.

Whatever your current circumstances, God longs to comfort you, heal you and give you his peace, joy and hope. Take your needs to him in prayer. Lay all your hurts and worries before him. Ask him to help you accept your circumstances, fix your eyes on Jesus and live life in joy and peace.

I found this book and this particular message at the right time, or rather it found me at the right time. Through it, God pretty much directly answered questions and doubts I had concerning the topic of joy. I have grappled with this certain topic for quite some time now, and have slowly grasped certain aspects of it. However, each time I read over that reflection, it amazes me more and more how directly related it was to the aspects I was still having trouble understanding. It is amazing how perfect God's timing is and the various ways he speaks to us.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" - Proverbs 3:5-6

P.S. The title is an old Padstow Sunday School song that I haven't remembered in years, but just suddenly came to me when I was thinking of what to name this =] Good old Padstow days!

People I Trust

2007-11-03T21:53:00.000+11:00

I was thinking a bit today about the people I trust most. It was funny, 'cause in almost all of them, (there weren't many), I noticed similarities. The people I trust tend to not only go to another school, but are also people that I don't see very regularly (some of which live far away) but am still quite close with. These people are the easiest to talk.

I know I have a trust issue. I don't trust some of the people I really should trust. Not because they are untrustable. Simply for fear of being judged - 'cause they know me too well (or sometimes, only know one side/too little of me), and for fear that they may tell someone, who I also may know, out of concern.

That leads me to the question - Is it simply coincidence that most of those I trust share the common factors I stated above? Or is it that I trust them because they have these common factors? Is it that I trust them, knowing that even if they were to break my trust, it's likely that whoever they told wouldn't be someone who knew me anyway?

If the latter is true, it poses a new problematic quesion in itself - Do I really trust these people at all, or am I just secure in the fact that we are great friends but they don't know anyone that I know? Or in other words - Is this trust or is it taking the easy way out?

The Friday/Saturday Night Mood

2007-11-02T23:16:00.000+11:00

I hate it. It is a terribly unbearable mood to be in. Let me explain. It is a mood you inevitably get on a friday/saturday night when there are no parties happening and you have failed to make any social plans. It is a mixture of extreme bordem, exhaustion from the long week that has just passed by, and wanting to do something to eliminate the mood, yet not even wanting to lift a finger at the same time. Really, once the mood has hit, there isn't a lot you can do to get out of it. Everything you try doing to eliminate the mood has absoluetly no affect, everything is so bland and boring (even MSN!). And the prospect of sleeping even seems so tiresome (no pun intended) even though you are completely exhausted and all week have waited for the weekend so you could finally sleep (in).

So if nothing you could possibly do (including things that usually give you hours of entertainment on end) could make you any less bored, and if you don't even want to sleep it off and get rid of your exhaustion at least, this mood is truly a pain in the arse - that is unless you decide to hit the town for the night. I'll definitely be opting for the latter option next weekend.

P.S.Is it just me, or does everyone else get these moods too?

Metaphorical musings

2007-10-31T18:00:00.000+11:00

They say the sun shines at 6000 degrees celcius (15 million degrees celcius at the core) all year round - day in, day out. Then why the hell can't we feel it in winter?

Apple on a tree

2007-10-29T23:22:00.000+11:00

In a world so fallen like ours - with so much suffering and little justice done, with such temporary pleasures and neverending hardships - I find hope in God alone. Nevertheless, I am human and tend to crop God out of the picture as one so often does. With God out of the picture, there is nothing to cling onto in this stuffed up world of ours. Everything is so damn temporary, things can change in the blink of an eye - people you thought you knew, relationships you thought were solid. One minute you're cruising along the river of life, having a ball. The next, you are stuck in the mangroves or something.

Hmm. I haven't really came to a conclusion yet so I guess this is To be continued...

9:20

2007-10-20T21:20:00.000+10:00

I'm bored.
And want to clear my head.
I still don't know what subjects to do.
My room is messy.
It's getting on my nerves.
It usually doesn't.
But now it is.
I think I do have a slight case of OCD.
Hmm.
That is something to ponder.
I wish my slight case of OCD could get me out of school.
I can't be bothered to do anything.
I have done nothing all day, besides tan a few shades darker.
As a result I smell like sunscreen.
I am not a freak who wants skin cancer :)
Besides I like the smell.
And I still tan with it on.
I'm quite pleased with my skins ability to tan a shade darker after 10 minutes in the sun.
At least if I can't achieve anything for myself my skin can.
It has a mind of it's own.
I wish everything did.
The first thing on my mental to do list is "Write several different to do lists".
I have so much to do that I have to seperate my to do lists, how lame.
But my to do lists are now more than ever including things to think about, rather than things to do.
Decisions to make.
Like subjects.
I need to write a pro's and con's list, that may help.
I like abrupt sentences, I think.
I tend to write like this when in strange moods like this.
What is this?
I wish I could write songs.
That would be pretty awesome hey?
I suppose I could write poetry and it could be a song.
But then again, I can't really write poetry.
You know, I'm not really sure why I don't like Shakespeare.
I mean, when I think back on the texts we have done, they aren't all so bad.
I hate competition.
Therefore I hate exams.
I want to move countries.
I want to go to England.
I want to go on holidays.
Holidays are like space.
A vacuum.
Empty.
And they empty you head.
I got that from my french exam.
I hate these moods.
I always seem to get them on saturday nights.
What's with that?
Hmm.
It's been 27 minutes already.
28.
29.
30.
Meh.
I've lost any train of thought I had.
So I'm out.

Harry Potter Fan Alert

2007-10-20T14:12:00.000+10:00

Read this: http://www.smh.com.au/news/books/jk-rowling-reveals-that-one-of-her-characters-is-gay/2007/10/20/1192301087070.html

You'll be shocked. I was.

Arghh, I hate how she doesn't include all this in the books, she should! It can't be part of the character or the book unless it's in the friggen books! Why reveal all this interesting jaw-dropping stuff (however outrageous it may be) when the series is over?! That's the whole point of a book, to tell a story - you can't just finish the book and say "Well actually I left out half the story but I can explain now if you like".
So frustrated.

Become Who You Are

2007-10-17T18:05:00.000+10:00

Today I found out that Mainstay has put out a new album. I am quite excited, I am considering buying it. Check out the lyrics and the explanations (which are awesome) here: http://www.jesusfreakhideout.com/lyrics/new/artist.asp?artist_id=148. Both their albums are fantabulous and the lyrics speak of relevant issues. I would elaborate on the album and lyrics and so on, but that would be a waste of my time, because it is all in the explanations of the songs - so read if you wish to learn of my thoughts...or the thoughts of another which I mainly agree with. I *heart* Mainstay.

Animals?

2007-10-11T13:43:00.000+10:00

I am so sick of thinking. Not of "philosophical musings" (as mentioned in my previous blog), but of thinking. Of decisions. Of weighing up the pros and cons of things. If only the type of memory erasing that exists in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind was possible. But not for memories. For thoughts. *sigh* I often wonder how life as an animal would be. Not a dog or anything big and domestic. Perhaps a snail - slow paced. Or a fish, a goldfish. I used to wish I was a fish when I was young, so I could stay at the beach and in the water forever.

I wonder. Dogs (and some other animals, I s'pose) can get human ailments such as arthirtis and pneumonia and stuff. I wonder if they can get mental illnesses. Hmm. OK, so I haven't heard of any animal with schizophrenia. But why not. I'm sure they could. Somehow. When I become a psychologist I shall investigate on animals :) ...if I become a psychologist. An animal psych...hmm. Is their such thing? I could become the first :) I wonder if animals find their daily tasks and problems as daunting as we can sometimes find ours. Would a meerkat think "farout, time to scavange for food again, arghh" or a chimp complain "my arms hurt from swinging!"? You probably think these are completely stupid questions, but unless you have been a chimp or a meerkat before, you wouldn't know the answer and hence, my questions aren't stupid :)

Hmm, I am having trouble understanding the mind-body concept. I am not sure what the actual concept is, but I don't get why one can't be another, so to speak. Or why one can't be born an animal. Well obviously because of the parents. But thearetically... why isn't my mind in the body of a giraffe for instance? Hmm.

Well I have probably lost everyone (anyone?) right about now, so I will cease to write my seemingly "abstract" thoughts before someone actually thinks I was meant to be an animal and chucks me in a zoo :) ...and because I'm starting to think I am sick of philosphical musings - I realised they're a bit like maths, they're hard to get your head around so after a while you just want to forget about them *sigh*

Bus Musings - Disrupted

2007-10-09T18:58:00.000+10:00

If alone, I often have philosphical musings whilst on the bus. Not so much on the train, I'm not sure why, but the bus is much more apt. However, yesterday, I was unable to concentrate due to a person nearby me, listening to their iPod (or some other sort of mp3 player). This person obviously didn't know what earphones were invented for. Let me explain. You see, earphones were made so that one could listen to their own music, without making the surrounding people have to put up with what may or may not be horrible music. This person was listening to horrible music, and it was extremely loud. He may aswell have not been using earphones and plugged his mp3 into speakers to share the love. Please, if you are going to listen to horrible music for the whole bus trip (or rather, one long horrible song for the whole bus trip...) do us both a favour and turn down the music 10 notches, 'cause I highly value my rare bus musings (and not so much your bad taste in music), and if the music is loud enough for me to hear, and going directly into both of your ears, you are probably half deaf, or on your way to such a state :) Don't make whoever invented the earphones' hard work be in vain.

FACTS!

2007-10-03T18:58:00.001+10:00

FACT: I still have a bruise on my foot from the mosh at Exo Day (1st sept!).

FACT: Wednesday is an awesome TV night.

FACT: You can hire upto 12 dvds (of any sort) for only $1 each at my local Video shop.

Summer TV

2007-10-03T11:42:00.000+10:00

I heard Snow Patrol on the radio today and it made me realise how much I miss Grey's Anatomy, *sigh*. In the meantime, while I anxiously await it's return, I'll definitely be tuning in to the new season of Heroes, which I recently found out starts tomorrow (9.30, ch 7 for all you Heroes lovers - pfft, as if you didn't already know that). I think you should too! :)

P.S. This blog is truly retarded...it isn't Tuesday! Nor is it 6:something-a-rather p.m.

It started off as "Holidays" but I'm not sure what to call this anymore..

2007-09-28T17:53:00.000+10:00

So after 11 long weeks (2 of which were exam-filled), it's finally holidays. And after 4 years of the ugly junior uniform, I am finally moving onto it's significant other - the ugly senior uniform*.

Well. I'm not really sure what to say. Except that I am reading a good book, and am looking forward to reading other good books these holidays. I haven't completed a good book (or really, any book) since Harry Potter (but even still, my mind is undecided about whether it was actually good). That's what school does to you, alright.

*Note: It didn't used to be so ugly, but my school has this obsession with making the life of our year group pretty miserable. They ruin/abolish anything slightly good (work experience - we didn't do it), introduce things we'd rather not have had introduced (Armidale - well it wasn't that bad, but the work was boring, and the place is a hole that's 8 long bus hours away) and change horrible things the year after we had to endure them (yr 7 camp - hiking isn't my thing...niether is peeing behind a termite mound). They decided all this wasn't enough, and hence changed the senior "blouse" just as we are about to changeover and made it compulsory to wear the new one.

P.S. While writing this blog I discovered two important things:

1) With more exposure to the extensive amount of punctuation in the English language (or in any langauge I spose), I have become quite sucky at constructing sentences. I tend to use every other form of punctuation BUT the full stop, which often results in one massively confusing sentence. I also noticed this when I recieved my Science exam, in which I wrote a whole fat "extended answer" in 3 sentences, the first 2 merely restating the question. Opps.

2) This new blog spot sucks, you can't cut-and-paste :(

We were meant to live for so much more...

2007-09-24T20:29:00.000+10:00

Life not death

Love not hate

Selflessness not selfishness

Smiles not frowns

Faith not indifference

Doubt not ignorance

D'n'M's not superficial chit-chat

Empathy not apathy

Laughter not tears

Hope not hopelessness

Generosity not greed

Spuring not stirring

Companionship not isolation

Joy not despair

Patience not impatience

Opinion not disregard

...Have we lost ourselves?

Blogger.com - Home of my new blog

2007-09-22T16:14:00.000+10:00

A long time ago, I got over my myspace blogging and accepted to do some confidential work for another. However, recently, I decided that I needed a new blog spot. So now, I have moved onto bigger and better things here at www.epitome-of-an-epiphany.blogspot.com, where you can make my procrastination a little worth while - and perhaps procrastinate a bit yourself - by reading my blogs. Enjoy :)
P.S. Anyone who uses these blogs - what region do I set the time to? It's not working :S